The Bliss Blog

2003-11-20T15:59:00.000-08:00

OK....it's official...This blog has moved to:

http://theblissblog.lunanina.com

I hope that those of you who are kind enough to link to me will adjust those links to the new address. It's been great here at blogger but it's time to move on.

See you all over at the new place!!

Blessings,
MissBliss

2003-11-19T11:32:00.000-08:00

There's a wonderful interview with Robert Kennedy Jr. in Salon today. It is likely that you have to subscribe to Salon to actually read the interview and I would strongly urge you to subscribe.

Robert Kennedy Jr. broke my heart back in the 80's when he O.D. on heroin while on the way to a drug treatment program. I understand, but I was so hoping that he would run for office one day. Who knows, that could still happen, but I guess I wouldn't wish that on him or his family. He got sober. He's built a wonderful career as an environmental lawyer/activist. I love what this man says, he's got sense, he's got good facts, he's a conservationist of the school that is about having long range vision, not the "never cut down a tree or fish or hunt" type. Now, let's not start a battle about fishing or hunting....I don't do much of either...but to my mind the goal here is balance. If humans are so damned smart why can't we seem to balance our needs, desires and our FUTURE well being? Why can't we seem to see beyond the end of our own damn noses?

Here's a few things he said...

"Under Bush we're seeing the complete corporate domination of the various departments of government. The Agriculture Department, which was created to benefit small farmers, is now a wholly owned subsidiary of big agribusiness and the principal instrument of their destruction. The Forest Service is being run by a timber industry lobbyist, Public Lands by a mining industry lobbyist. Virtually all Bush's Cabinet secretaries, department deputies and agency heads come from the very industries that those agencies are supposed to be regulating.
The same thing happened in Germany, Italy and Spain during the fascist takeover in the 1920s and '30s -- you had industrialists flooding the ministries and running the ministries, and running them in many ways for their own profit. If you read the American Heritage Dictionary definition of fascism, it says "the domination of a government by corporations of the political right, combined with bellicose nationalism." Well, we're seeing that today.
Of course the first people who start talking about this connection are going to be derided for it. Even though Rush Limbaugh calls feminists "Nazis." The right wing for years has tried to discredit anyone who believes in the idea of community as a "communist" or a "pinko." But it's time that people started telling the truth about what's going on in this country. And start realizing that democracy is fragile, that corporate cronyism is as antithetical to democracy in America as it is in Nigeria.
The other day I got something in the mail from a farmer -- small farmers in this country understand better than anyone how markets are being stolen and democracy is being eroded. He sent me a quote from Mussolini that said fascism should really be called "corporatism" -- because it's the control of government by large corporations.
Another farmer sent me my favorite quote. This one was by Lincoln, in 1863, during the height of the Civil War, when he says, "I have the South in front of me and the bankers behind me -- and for my country, I fear the bankers most." Lincoln, Jefferson, Teddy Roosevelt, FDR, Eisenhower and all of our great leaders have warned our nation that the greatest threat to our democracy is from large corporate interests."

AND....

"Well, let me say this: Good environmental policy is identical to good economic policy, if we want to measure our economy -- and this is how we should be measuring it -- based on how it produces jobs, and the dignity of those jobs, and how it creates opportunity, and how it preserves the value of our nation's assets. If, on the other hand, you want to treat the planet the way the current Washington regime does, like it's a business in liquidation, to convert our natural resources to cash as quickly as possible, to have a few years of pollution-based prosperity, well then you can create the short-term illusion of a prosperous economy, but our children are going to pay for our joy ride. And they're going to pay for it with denuded landscapes and poor health and huge cleanup costs that they're never going to be able to pay. Environmental injury is deficit spending. It's a way of loading the costs of our prosperity onto the backs of our children."

I remember asking my Dad when I was little how the lumber companies expected to be in business in 20 years if they cut down ALL the trees now. He explained to me the shortsitedness of corporations and their CEO's who only cared about the bottom line while THEY were the CEO. It didn't matter that they created a situation where the business was no longer sustainable. That just seemed like bad business sense to me...even to an eight year old it seemed dumb...still does.

2003-11-18T12:41:00.000-08:00

Well just to give you all a heads up...I'm moving this blog over to Lunanina. I think everything will be ready pretty soon ..... heck for all I know it might already be ready, but I'm waiting for the official word from P. I'm very excited about this...because this means that I will be able to post a photo or two now and then....um...once I figure out how to post there at all...heeeee.

I'll keep you all informed as things unfold.

2003-11-15T23:12:00.000-08:00

I've been revisiting some of the stuff I wrote back in 1998...it was a very interesting year, very tumultuous.

a little more of me
bonnie raitt, joni mitchell and nine inch nails
all mixed into a spicy bowl of tom ka kai soup
on a santa ana windy night in east hollywood
walking up wilton to my car, wishing I still lived in hollywood and at the same time so very glad that I don’t. Perhaps it’s all these conflicts that define me in my city. I am that wild coyote running down hollywood blvd. in the middle of a drought ridden night - not in the right place but not really in the wrong place either. We’re a special breed - the LA coyotes - desert wild but city made - we find what we need and usually steal it.

I hope I didn't already post this one...like I said...it was an interesting year.

I search out pain like it might miss me
and once found
I hold it close and feed it all it needs
Building rooms in my heart
shaped perfectly for despair
with the hope
that my old friend
will stay

Yep...it was a crazy year...

Caught in a lonely kiss, once more with a man whose eyes are tightly closed as he struggles to pretend that I’m someone else. The real woman, the one he loves, rather than the one he’s with. I really don’t take any pleasure from knowing that when he makes love with her that he’ll think of me. It will only make him hate me, as though it were my fault that he wasn’t true to her. Like Bonnie said, “you can call it what you want, but it’s lyin’ just the same”.

2003-11-14T20:14:00.000-08:00

The Best Coffee (written for my Dad for Fathers Day a few years ago)

I woke up this morning and did what I usually do, I made coffee. I’m very fond of coffee. I’ve been drinking coffee since I was a little girl. It was my father who introduced me to the glory of coffee. Sweet with lots of milk. But some of my favorite coffee memories are from our family camping days. We used to go camping regularly when my brother and I were little. I remember coming home from school on a Friday afternoon and walking up the driveway to discover that Mom was packing the car up with all our camping gear. Dad would have called her at some point during the day and said I’ll try to get home early, pack the car, lets go camping.
Now Mom was no slouch at this packing the car business by this time, she could do it efficiently and with very little help. I have to admit that we were just a tad snooty about our camping experience back then. We were strictly tent campers….a tent, your sleeping bag and the food in the car. I’ve come to realize there are people much much snootier about camping than we were (they don’t even keep their car somewhere near by, smarty pants hikers). But at the time we were almost considered mountain people by our surrounding neighbors. “NO MOTORHOME?” they would exclaim…how will you survive? “NO CABIN?” they would shout…you’ll surely die up there in that wilderness. We of course thought they were all babies (well at least I did).
So off we would go to any one of our various local campsites, for a weekend in the wilderness. We would do our best to get to the campsite before dark, because trying to set up camp in the dark was a real pain in the wazoolie. Mom and Dad were pretty much pros at setting up the tent even though there was usually one or two tense words wherein my Mom would call my Dad “John” rather than “Hank”. My brother and I would gather wood for the fire while the tent was being set up. By the time we got back to the campsite Mom usually had some sort of dinner going on the Coleman stove. We would help Dad build the fire, then we would eat dinner. In the mountains, beans and franks with white bread is the best food you’ve ever eaten in your life. After dinner there was washing the dishes in a tub of water while Mom would set up the sleeping bags. Dad always slept on an old cot because his hip would give him trouble if he slept on the ground….but for the rest of us, the ground was part of what camping was all about. After we had sat around the fire for a while and looked up at the sky which was filled with stars and commented on how you were lucky if you could see one or two stars in the sky back at home, it would be time for bed. Once we were all settled into our respective bags all those wild mountain nighttime sounds would start and I was certain that I’d never get to sleep with all that hooting and rustling going on, but somehow I always did.
Then, the next thing I knew, around 5:00AM I would hear the sound I now most associate with camping… ZZZZZZIIIIIIIPPPPPPP!! The sound of my Dad unzipping the tent to go out and then re-zipping it closed. I knew that he would start the campfire, so I would wait for a few minutes because it was cold and I wanted the fire to be started before I went out there. I would then pull on my jeans and a sweatshirt or a flannel shirt while still in my sleeping bag. Then I’d wiggle out of my sleeping bag, put on my shoes, step over my still sleeping Mom and brother and unzip and re-zip the tent myself. It would be freezing out there, and clear and quiet. The sun would be up but it was still so low in the sky that the only way you knew that it was up was because it wasn’t totally dark. We always brought those folding yard chairs to sit in around the fire and my Dad would be sitting in one. The fire would be going strong and he would have the little metal coffee pot that we always took with us camping filled with water sitting either on the grate over the fire or on the Coleman stove. I would sit down in a chair next to Dad and almost put my hands in the fire to get them warm. We would ask each other how we slept, comment on how cold it was and then stare at the coffee pot. Now we were not making coffee in this pot, we were simply trying to get water to boil. Camping coffee was always instant coffee. The only time that anyone in my family would drink instant coffee was when we were camping. This was also the only time that CoffeeMate non-dairy creamer was ever used instead of milk. So next Dad would get up and put some instant coffee into two cups and then sit back down to wait on the water some more. Usually around this time he would start pointing things out to me, such as the bright blue bird watching us from a near by tree or a squirrel that was trying to make up his mind about whether or not he should try to get a nut that was WAY to close to our campsite. Soon we would be chatting about all the goings on in the forest and wondering if we were gonna have time to try some fishing when it would dawn on us that the coffee water was finally boiling. Dad would get up and grab a dishtowel and pick up the coffee pot of water and pour it into our cups. He would then put in plenty of sugar and CoffeeMate non-dairy creamer and mix it all up. He would hand me my coffee and then sit back down in his chair and we would continue with our discussion of birds and squirrels, fishing and old old trees.

It was the best coffee I've ever had…when I was seven, in the mountains, with my Dad.

2003-11-12T19:55:00.000-08:00

Stop watching me
please
Stop waiting for me
to entertain you
please

It makes me want to come out of my skin

Stop pushing me
to be your dream
please
Stop consuming me
to fill your emptiness
please

It makes me want to cut and bleed

Stop

2003-11-11T21:58:00.000-08:00

Now I have seen that sad surrender in my lover's eyes,
And I can only stand apart and sympathize.
For we are always what our situations hand us...
It's either sadness or euphoria.
B. Joel

I didn’t mean to forget. I mean, does anyone ever “mean” to forget something? No. But I guess what I really mean is….I really did forget, I wasn’t acting out or just being an asshole. I don’t remember ANYONES birthday…ever. I tell everyone this…all the time. Please don’t make my memory some test of how much I love or care about you because I will fail every damn time. I certainly did that time. But there was so much distraction. I had gotten laid off and was back to freelancing. I was barely making it financially and I wasn’t loving the work the way I had when I was in my 20’s. Now it just made me tired, physically tired and tired of all the drama that went with the whole “who’s getting what job, and who recommended who for it” crap. It’s amazing what a small world non-union theatre can be even in a big city. And quite honestly….I thought he was about to break up with me. I had been feeling like that for months. He was so distant, so generally unhappy in his own life and just sort of vacant. Being just a teensy bit self-obsessed I was certain it was all about me and that he was just trying to find some way to leave me. I was trying to get up the gumption to talk about it with him when I found the card. He was working on some soft-core film and I guess the whole crew got him a cake and a birthday card. Normal enough. I just didn’t happen to realize that it had been his birthday three days earlier. He hadn’t mentioned anything to me. My head was filled with an ongoing dialogue of what I was going to say when he broke up with me. How could I possibly keep some friggin date in mind with all that noise in my head? Once again, trying to avoid the painful moment simply brought more pain. I picked the card up off the table and I read it and then looked at him totally confused. He grabbed it and said, “Oh, you weren’t supposed to find that.” Looking sheepish for some reason. It finally dawned on me that I had missed his birthday. At first I felt horrible but then I got enraged. I felt so fucking set up. I’m pretty sure I said something really graceful like, “You fucking asshole you couldn’t have just given me a heads up or something? Thanks a lot!” He said something about it not being a big deal, that he felt like I didn’t need any added pressure with everything that was going on in my life, blah, blah, blah. Yeah…but he made a point of telling his friends about how I totally forgot his birthday…so I guess it was SOME kind of a deal.

The truth is….we were at the end we just didn’t really know it yet. Well, we knew it, we just didn’t like that truth. So we tried to ignore it for another six months or so. See, we really liked each other, really loved each other too….but there was just too much in the way. So he just drifted farther and farther away without really meaning to and I stayed as long as I could. Then when I couldn’t stay anymore, I left. I left without much looking back and with no apologies for the leaving. It made us both very sad. I don’t think it was the wrong thing for me to do. But being right doesn’t make it any less sad.

2003-11-10T21:09:00.000-08:00

Mona in search of a little pain....

Mona pushed the door open and flinched at the glare of the florescent lights as she stepped into the waiting room. They tried so hard to make it appear that you were in something similar to a doctors office, you know a sofa and some chairs to sit on while you wait, magazines to look at, awful elevator music piped in through lousy little speakers, and some vapid woman dressed in white sitting behind a counter. But it always ended up feeling like you had stepped into something between an upscale tattoo parlor and a slaughter house, the sofa and chairs were stained with sweat, the magazines were all fetish and bondage rags, and the so-called elevator music tonight was Marilyn Manson at a low volume, a little subversive insanity, and behind the counter....Connie....well she was certainly dressed in white but between her purple hair, pearly black teeth and her pierced nipples that were always proudly exposed through the holes she cut in all of her clothing, vapid was not exactly an accurate description. Then there was the smell....the smell was definitely unique to Pain as a drug of choice. Pain shops gave off a....certain scent when they were busy and it permeated the place, it was a combination of the stink of sweating bodies, terror, hot leather and chrome, punishment, chemical antiseptic,... but not forgiveness...no pain addict ever felt forgiven and no pain shop ever smelled of it.

Mona came to this particular pain shop fairly often...they knew her here. Much to her chagrin, Connie was ecstatic to see her. Well that meant getting molested while out from the Pain, shit.

“Hey Mona baby, how’s it goin’?” Connie leaned back in her chair and started to toy with her nipple ring, she was always trying to get Mona into bed...like she was suddenly gonna forget that she was straight or something.

“Connie, got a chair for me?” Please don’t make me chat with this bitch. I don’t have it in me tonight.

“What, no ‘hello’ for me...maybe I got a chair and maybe I don’t.” Connie pouted.

Mona’s head went down and her shoulder’s went up, she clinched her hands inside her coat pockets and tried to calm down, but of course that’s why she was there in the first place, trying to get a grip on her insanity. She stepped up to the counter and through clinched teeth and a very scary grin she said,

“Hi Connie, in case you hadn’t noticed I’m wound a little tight tonight, so my manners may have slipped a bit,” Mona put her hands up on the counter that Connie sat behind, gripping it so tightly her knuckles turned white, and lunged over into Connie face, literally nose to nose with her, “So don’t FUCK with me Connie, I don’t have a lot of control left tonight and chokin’ the ever lovin’ shit out of you might do me up just fine!” Mona kept her voice low so as to not leave any witnesses to her threat, ...... Connie knew she meant it.

“Geeez, Mona lighten up will you, I was just jokin’, of course I have a chair for you, we always have a chair for you,” Connie got up quickly and walked over to the door that let Mona into the back where the rooms were. Mona took a deep breath and tried to push down the roaring white noise that was threatening to completely overwhelm her mind, killin Connie wouldn’t really help but it would be better than falling on the floor and foaming at the mouth.

So far stone cold Pain was the only thing would burn out the flashbacks of that twitching dying child, her head banging uncontrollably on the concrete, the blood, the little pile of black hair, the choking screams... Mona started to hyperventilate and reached out to the wall to steady herself, Connie glanced nervously over her shoulder, she hadn’t ever seen the tall blond this bad before. Mona tried to shake it off, and continued down the hall into the room that Connie disappeared in to.

“Here Mona, just sit back and relax, I’ll take good care of you.” Mona sat down in the chair that looked vaguely like an old dentist’s chair. Red leather back, seat, arm rests, foot rest, and head rest with chrome detailing all around. It was the Harley Davidson of pain chairs and it practically vibrated with the twisted energy of Pain. Connie strapped her arms and legs down with the matching red leather-lambs wool lined custom made restraints, pulled the V-strap over her head and down her torso to attach to the padded buckle that came up between her legs. Connie never missed a chance to grope every woman in this position that she found attractive, but tonight she decided against it with Mona. Then she attached the red leather silver studded head strap with all the appropriate electrodes to Mona’s head and gave her the mouth piece to keep her from biting her own tongue off.

Connie stepped out of Mona’s sight, towards the wall behind her, “Ok Baby here it comes.” and she flipped on the pain stimulator.

FFFFFF UUUUU CCCC KKKKK......White hot blinding heat firing through her brain, her whole body convulsed with the Pain, jaw locked on the mouth guard, she shook all over and deep animal sounds came from her throat, the veins in her neck stood rigid as though begging for relief. The Pain scoured through her entire soul...burning out all the ugly rotten corners of self-hatred and reproach, searing clean all the putrid little crevices oozing with despair, betrayal, and disgust. There was no room for any of that when the Pain took over, no memories, no feelings, no time, no regrets, no sorrow, it incinerated everything , leaving her feeling empty and hollow except for the Pain ringing through her. She clung to consciousness for as long as she could, after all feeling the Pain was the whole point, that and total oblivion, but eventually she gave in and slipped into sweet unconsciousness.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

As consciousness returned, Mona realized that someone was sucking on her right tit, as she slowly opened her eyes she saw Connie licking and sucking on her nipple, eyes closed.

“Connie, unless you don’t plan on ever unstrapping me, I suggest you knock that shit off.” Mona said sounding somewhat drugged. Connie stopped, pulled Mona’s shirt back down and slid her hand in between Mona’s legs,

“Oh come on, Baby, let me help you forget...”

“CONNIE, knock it off,” it was Terry the owner “get the hell out of here and go check on the guy in Three, he’s floppin around like a trout for chrissake.” Connie quickly left, muttering about how she never got to have any fun. Terry started unstrapping Mona.

“Mona, how many fucking times do I have to tell you to wait until I can monitor your sessions, you know Connie’s about as ethical as a born-again tele-evangelists and she wants your ass!!” Terry helped Mona to sit up.

“Well Terry I just can’t always wait for you to be here, it wouldn’t be called an addiction if it was that manageable now would it.”

“Yeah, yeah. Honey, you were out for at least an hour...you gotta stop hitting this shit so hard.” Terry always fussed over Mona, and she got away with it only because she was one of Mona’s oldest friends.

“Terry, you know I hit just as hard as it takes to do the job. This isn’t recreational, it’s fucking medicinal and you know it!” Mona spat out.

2003-11-10T15:17:00.000-08:00

OK...I just have to go on record now about the new West Wing.

I HATE IT!!

I know that Sorkin was being totally intolerable, handing in scripts the day of shooting, rewriting as they are shooting, etc. Not acceptable. I wish they had just ended the show.

Apparently the current writing staff is incapable of writing a single script that actually about anything, that has any sort of actual position about anything...much less write something that actually makes you weep with your love for the idea of our Democracy.

I'm done with it. I'll watch no more and I'll wait with desperate hope that the first few seasons will eventually be released onto DVD.

2003-11-06T21:35:00.000-08:00

Time for you folks to meet the real Mona.....I've really only got a small start on this but what the heck might as well put it out here

The dream was always the same...except sometimes it repeated endlessly all night.......Running, sweating, gasping for air, I swing the little raven haired girl up into my arms so we can get to the extraction van before the alarms go off. Everything has gone off without a hitch, this child will be in her own bed tonight and I will be a million dollars richer before dawn....at last a vacation, time to surf ....I cross the threshold of August Smith’s compound, ten feet from the van, the door is open, I can see Sam holding out his arms for our precious cargo when suddenly she explodes out of my grasp, a seizure, falling to the ground, I fall with her trying to keep her from harm, in the process her hair slides off her skull and onto the ground like the pelt of some dead animal, everything moves into that horrifying surreal slow motion of trauma, I’m trying to figure out why her hair has come off, she’s continuing to seize, her little bald and scarred head banging on the concrete, blood flying out of her nose and mouth, screaming like a wounded cat, Sam is trying to help, I can’t stop staring at her limp hair lying on the ground, he’s trying to get her into the van, yelling at me to get up, leave the goddamn wig, and then it dawns on me,..... I’ve been set up. I know that she won’t survive this event, they never intended for her to survive. Sam pulls me into the van, little Sumi is still twitching, but no more sounds, no more labored breathing, no more anything for her.

Squirrel trotted up the street, constantly running his shaking hands through his lime green hair until eventually it looked like it was trying to escape from his head, fleeing in all directions. His constant rant causing people to keep their distance from him.
“Jenny is such a bitch, just a fucking selfish bitch, it’s all her fault I don’t have anywhere to go, and now I’m early, too early, WAY early. Mona HATES it when I’m early, she hates it when I’m late too, I’m just supposed to be ON time. That’s what she said ON TIME. If Mona kicks my ass tonight it’s gonna be Jenny’s fault, fuck, fuck, fuck...” this running commentary was pretty standard for Squirrel. He finally got to Mona’s building and then proceeded to start pacing back and forth in front of the entryway door. For whatever reason he seemed to think that being early right at her apartment door was some how better than calling her on the front door phone. His pacing started to take on the compulsive nature of speed freaks everywhere, getting faster and faster while the circle he paced seemed to get smaller and smaller. A couple came out of the building dressed for a night out and Squirrel shot through the security door before it closed. He sprinted up the stairs to Mona’s third floor apartment. When he was finally standing in front of her door, he checked his watch and realized that he was still four hours early. He started pacing again, and mumbling, grinding his teeth, and pulling his hair, finally he worked himself up into enough of a frenzy that he spun around and started banging on the door.

“Hey Mona....MONA... open up, it’s me... ME, SQUIRREL.”

Mona starts awake, gasping from the horror of memory. Someone banging on her door.
“WHAT??” Mona yells.

“MONA, IT’S ME SQUIRREL, LET ME IN!!”

“Oh fuck....” Mona pulls herself out of bed and stumbles to the door, still trying to shake off the dream. She jerks the door open. Squirrel is stunned into sudden stillness.

“WHAT?” she snaps, standing naked in the light of the hallway.

“Uhhhh...” Squirrel took in the sight of Mona’s nakedness with awe. Platinum blonde flat top, high cheek bones in a gaunt face.

“What time is it?” she grabs his wrist to check his watch.

“Squirrel you’re four hours early you stupid fuck.”

“Um...I know....um...do you always answer your door naked?? I mean I’m just wondering, you know ‘cause it’s kinda unusual, not that I’m complainin’, or nothin’,..um...I had to come over early ‘cause see Jenny got mad at me, just ‘cause I was talkin’ she says I talk too much, she just got really mad and said she was gonna chop me up into a million tiny pieces and feed me to the dog if I didn’t get out. I think the bitch meant it, so I just fuckin’ left, I don’t need to stay around for that kind of shit, even if she is my sister, she can just fuckin’ go to hell for all I care, it’s not like I need her, no way, she’s just...” he stopped suddenly because Mona had walked away from the doorway back into her apartment. His methamphetamine hell-chatter was the perfect descant to the final wisps of her nightmare.

“Ahh...can I come in or should I wait until you get dressed, ‘cause I can wait out here you know. I mean, what ever you want, but it seems a little silly since I already seen you all naked and everything.” Squirrel stuck his head inside the shadowy apartment just as Mona lit her cigarette, her breasts glowing in the yellow glare of the match. Her quilt of old scars and tattoos somehow more frightening in the dim light. She stared at the lit match for a few moments then shook her head, blew it out and dropped it onto the carpet. She turned on a small lamp and started getting dressed as though she had suddenly realized that she had somewhere to be. She put on a black tank top and a pair of black cotton drawstring pants. She walked over to a closet pulled out a pair of black suede boots and put them on. Squirrel watched all this in stunned silence... Mona usually reacted to him a bit differently, it most often involved him getting smacked in the head for annoying her, she never just ignored him. It was unnerving, and he couldn’t stand being too much more unnerved tonight, so he chattered even more.

“So this is your place, I never been here before, a little plain don’t ya think. You should really think about putting some stuff on the walls, pictures, yeah pictures and...an’... an’ stuff you know, all these bare walls makes it seem a little creepy in here ya know, not very homey, but I guess that’s ok, if that’s what you like,” Mona walked into the kitchen and poured herself some day old coffee. Squirrel started looking for his smokes, digging into his pockets and patting at his jacket, even though he knew he didn’t have any.

“Ya know it’s important that you make your place your own ya know, that’s what my sister wont ever let me do, fuck, where are my smokes, she won’t let me do anything to that place, everything always has to be her way, it really pisses me off,” he was now practically pulling his pockets inside out.

Mona was sitting on the edge of her bed watching Squirrel start to freak, she threw her smokes at him without a word.

“Thanks,” he got a cigarette and tried to light it but his hands were shaking so bad that he couldn’t manage it, Mona got up and lit it for him. The sight of Squirrels shaking hand holding the freshly lit cigarette was just too much. It was all too fucked up, the noise was getting too loud, she knew any minute she’d be shaking too. She grabbed her coat and headed for the door.

“Hey where we goin’?” Squirrel hurried after her out the door. She didn’t even bother with the bolt. It was like suddenly she couldn’t stand to be there anymore, had to get out, had to get.....somewhere....anywhere. They hurried out of the building and walked the three blocks south to The Boulevard. Squirrel knew something was up cause he could tell she was getting...amped up or something...she kept shaking her head like she was trying to shake something out of it. The whole night seemed just...wrong some how. They turned west onto The Boulevard. Mona had her hands dug down deep into her coat, like she was holding onto something.

“I know what it is!!” Squirrel announced suddenly as though someone had asked a question. Mona looked at him in her more usual annoyed fashion.

“It’s these goddamn Santa Ana winds, I hate ‘em, hate ‘em, I mean really HATE them....... everything always gets all fucked up when they start blowing, the whole fuckin’ city just gets loud, all the loonies get out and start messin’ with shit, like it isn’t all crazy enough, then these winds start and everybody loses their fuckin’ minds!”

“Yeah, well I guess that makes them just about perfect for tonight.” Mona mumbled.

“So come on, where are we goin’? It’s too early for the job, you hungry?? I’m not, but then I never am, food is just really kind of gross, ya know? I just...” suddenly Squirrel stopped dead in his tracks, staring down the sidewalk, “NO WAY....you are NOT going to that place!! Please Mona tell me, that’s not the place you’re headed.” Squirrel whined plaintively.

Mona had kept on walking, she stopped a few feet ahead of him, without turning around she growled in low tight voice, “You do what you want Squirrel, I got something to take care of, I’ll meet you at Torung’s in a couple of hours,” then she continued on up the street, toward the brightly lit shop with that old painting on it of the elongated face screaming...Mona thought the painting was actually called The Scream...appropriate for a pain shop. Squirrel stood there looking rather abandoned and frightened. He’d hoped that the rumors he’d heard about Mona had been wrong. He turned the other way and started looking around to bum a smoke off someone.

2003-11-06T13:04:00.000-08:00

I find this to be almost unbelievable but I'm living it so I guess I have to believe it...I'm STILL SICK! I've been to the Dr. three times and I'm now starting a second round of a different antibiotic. The illness has changed from a racking cough that was tearing up my throat to a smaller cough that somehow causes my throat to spasm and close up so that I can't breathe. After each cough I sound like someone having a very bad asthma attack...Desperately trying to suck in a teeny bit of air. It's scary for me and for anyone who happens to be around me because I sound like I'm gonna suffocate...which is pretty much how it feels too. The Dr. saw me do this (you know the coughing then wheezing, not breathing thing) said my lungs were very clear so that wasn't the problem and then pretty much said there isn't much to do about it except take the meds and wait for the infection to go away.

Great.

Love that.

It's really been a crazy couple of weeks.

2003-11-04T19:29:00.000-08:00

I wrote this when I was feeling a bit out of place....dating the wrong guy who was dating the wrong girl.

I am no longer suited to the thin air of the canyons with their houses perched precariously upon ridges of rock and rosemary. Too much form and not enough function as the tequila and Tom Collins' are passed around. I have no business here, I have no place here. My blue nails and tendency to say "fuck" may titillate for a moment, but in the end we only disturb each other's very delicate balance.

2003-11-02T21:52:00.000-08:00

Written a few years back.

I hate being found by you, it confirms it all
but nothing is as bad as being alone in all this
weirdness
all this fucked up
me-ness
all this not fitting in, all this not being
like them
and the difference makes my bones ache
I just want to hide in you
because you know
you see it and don’t flinch
you see it and
understand
but truth told
if I had the choice
I’d rather
be like
them.

2003-10-31T14:18:00.000-08:00

I have a few friends that are participating in this starting tomorrow. I'm a bit too intimidated myself but I LOVE the idea...who knows maybe next year I'll be up for it.

I finally got some serious cough meds so I'm looking forward to some successful sleeping this weekend.
Hope you all have a good weekend.

2003-10-30T09:04:00.000-08:00

It's unbelievable...rain...there was rain on the way to work today. I hope some of it fell on the fires, and on the exhausted heads of all those firefighters who have been going without sleep or food to try and save people and their homes. I hope cool rain from the heavens dropped down and gave them all a break this morning.

2003-10-27T09:34:00.000-08:00

Blessings out to all the folks in So Cal that are affected by these horrible fires. Please send out some good thoughts to all the fire fighters who have been putting their lives on the line day and night here in an effort to save people and homes.

2003-10-24T13:42:00.000-07:00

I'm sick. Which makes me just a tad disoriented. The coughing is relentless and the throat feels like it is in tatters. I'm just a teensy bit dizzy from the cough medicine and slight reduction in oxygen. I walk outside and the sky is the color of the end of the world. You might wonder what color that is unless you've lived in L.A. during the October fire season. The sky itself is a bit grey, filled with ash as a bloody red sun futilely attempts to push through turning everything a hot dirty orange. Strangely the air does not smell of smoke. This only makes it all the more strange and abstract. I keep glancing outside every time I pass a window, waiting for the arrival of the giant locusts.

2003-10-23T11:18:00.000-07:00

Sorry folks...I'm all sickypoo right now and I still have to work. This is the problem when you work for a small company that you care about...deadlines are deadlines and even if you are sick you...well I feel like I have to try and meet them. At least I can do the work from home.

Blessings on you all as we enter the cold and flu season...take good care.

2003-10-20T21:00:00.000-07:00

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Fairytales. It’s easy these days to think that fairytales are all about “happily ever after..” but that’s simply a product of Walt Disney. It took me a while to realize that much of my life was a little more La Llorona than Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty. Now it depends on who’s telling the story because sometimes La Llorona is an innocent victim and sometimes she’s is the creator of her own misery but no matter what she ends up dead near or in a river and turns into an evil/angry/vengeful spirit who takes the lives of any children and/or men who wander too close to the river. She is the woman who is taken advantage of, the woman who wants the man at all cost, the woman who is wrongly accused and punished…most often she is the woman who must pay for her sexual desire with not only her life but the lives of others. Often the payment is by her own hand, she kills her child and herself.

Yes indeedy…this was pretty much my love life for a very long time….oh now, nobody died.

At least not as far as I know.

No children were actually involved…thank god for modern chemistry and sex education.

But somehow I managed my love life about as well as La Llorona. Filled with thoughtless, selfish, sometimes brutal jealous men. When I would realize this truth usually, like La Llorona, my first impulse was to attempt to kill myself in some way. I’m not really suicidal by nature so I would usually hide it in drugs and alcohol…but it was a form of dieing. A form of punishing myself for my choices.

Then somewhere along the way the fairytale changed. A new story took shape. A story of resurrection, of re-birth, a story of the bone people, wolf woman, the story of La Loba. The quick version is:

An old Indian woman who is living on the desert near a cave in a mesa finds the bones of a wolf. She lays the bones out to form the body. With the placement of one thighbone, the skeleton is complete. At nightfall, she builds her fire. Then she sings and drums and dances. Slowly, the flesh and yellow-brown fur are returned to the wolf. When she finishes her song, the wolf rises and runs from the cave. As the old woman watches, she sees the wolf turn into a woman with yellow-brown hair. La Loba usually comes to people who are lost. If she likes you, she may show you something--something of the soul.

What I love about this story, what resonates with me at such a cellular level is the concept of being lost, found and then put back together. I can attest to the fact that I certainly qualified as lost, I mean when La Llorona is an accurate description of your love life you absolutely are a bit lost. I guess that on some level I feel that I was living by that river of despair unable to see any way out except death when the daughters of La Loba found me. Strong, kind, compassionate and fierce women who sang and danced and laughed…and placed my broken soul back together by showing me something of their souls.

2003-10-20T12:49:00.000-07:00

All last week, through the weekend and on into today I have felt like I am getting sick. I'm not ACTUALLY sick yet but I'm GETTING sick. It's so f'in annoying! I wake up every day with a slightly sore throat, I'm sneezing more than usual, my nose is a little bit stuffy....but none of that has gone on and escalated to a full blown cold....it's just a collection of irritating symptoms that aren't quite bad enough to treat.

It could just be the weather. I mean we are in that lovely time of year that we L.A. folks like to call the October Heat Wave. Yes, it's true, while the rest of you people who live in other places are putting on your sweaters and getting out your rubber boots we were dealing with 90 degree temps this past weekend.
Yep...you read that right...90 DEGREES!

So what happened is it cooled off for a couple of weeks and then BAM! October Heat Wave. So I don't know if I'm in the process of getting sick because of the sudden change in weather or if I'm not getting sick but my sinuses are just all f'd up due to the sudden change in weather.

Either way...I don' feel so good.

2003-10-17T15:00:00.000-07:00

Vivid Childhood Memory:
I was about four years old and my family and I were down in Key West camping on the beach. The sand was bright white and the water was bright blue just like it is in those Club Med commercials. I had red tennis shoes that I had to wear when we went into the water. I had to wear them for two reasons; One, because my feet were too small to fit into the smallest pair of flippers and; Two, because when the water would get really shallow you would take off your flippers and walk. Walk where? Well out to the little sand bars and islands. You could walk/swim for miles if you had the energy. You just had to make sure you could get back. I clearly remember the feeling of the fish bumping into my legs as we walked and then it would get too deep for me and my Mom would continue to walk but I would have to swim. I had my mask and snorkle on too so I could see all the pretty fish and sandy bottom. The beautiful fish are something that I used to think I sort of made up until I was talking to my Mom about it once and she affirmed all the different colors and the way the fish would swim right up to you and bump into your legs and even your face mask.

Vivid Dream:
When I was about 12 years sober I had what us sober people call a "slip dream". That's a dream where you drink and/or use drugs. I had them before but this one was pretty astounding. Now most often in these dreams I "forget" that I'm sober until after I drink/use drugs and then I'm totally freaked out and panicky because I've blown my sobriety. These are not pleasant dreams. Sometimes I even dreamt doing things that I never really did, but would absolutely blow my sobriety if I did them in real life, not too mention potentially kill me. The most vivid slip dream I've ever had started with me looking down at my left arm as I tied it off with a belt, I held the belt in my teeth and proceeded to shoot myself up with heroin. As I am doing this it is slowly dawning on me what I am doing and I start to freak out, thinking to myself "HOLY SHIT WHAT AM I DOING?" when suddenly the dream starts over in exactly the same place, with me looking down at my left arm as I'm tying off with a belt, belt in my teeth and proceeding to shoot myself up with heroin...it was like an endless loop that would start over ever time I got to the point where I realized what I was doing and started to freak out. I finally woke myself up hyperventilating. That was vivid.

Vivid Memory:
I was going to go bowling finally. I had been avoiding it because I hated bowling. I had grown up in fucking bowling alleys and had no interest in spending any time in any more bowling alleys. But everyone was going every Saturday night after the shows. Rik was going. Man oh man I had a thing for Rik. To steal a phrase from a writer I admire he had a mouth full of wiseass that just made my heart go pitty pat. Rik was being strange. One minute he seemed ready to jump me and the next like he didn't know why I was standing there talking to him. Back then I LOVED the chase so baby oh baby all that "come here/go away" was just catnip to me. So finally I had agreed to go bowling, because I wanted to make my move on Rik, oh and meet this friend of his I kept hearing about named Brad. The only problem was, this particular Saturday night it appeared that NO ONE was going bowling. It's my big chance and now everyone is blowing it for me. Because Rik was about to leave town to go be an actor again in Texas. This was my one chance. Finally I convince this one other techie that he HAS to go bowling just so I won't be there all by my lonesome with just Rik and his buddy. So there I am waiting in the lobby for Rik and Garth (the poor sod I talked into going) when suddenly this guy walks by and I am shot through with electricity. I mean...oh mah lord, sweet jesus that boy was sex on two legs. Long curly red-brown hair, long legs wearing a black t-shirt and jeans under a long grey coat. The sexiest damn walk I have ever seen in my life...to this day. DAMN! He was FINE....and then he was gone, downstairs. I heaved a huge sigh and wondered which actress he was there to pick up. Then Rik and Mr. Beautiful come up the stairs together and start walking right towards me. Suddenly I can barely breath again. Dear GOD NOOOOOOOOO...that can't be....it is...holy fucking shit. Mr. Beautiful isRiks friend Brad. I couldn't even see Rik any more, I mean when they talk about chemistry they are talking about what happened to me that night. Talk about a mouth full of wiseass? Oh shit....Brad had a Phd in Wise-Fucking-Ass baby and I LOVED IT! Smart, rude and as hot as James Dean in RWC. In that one moment something clicked in my brain and it took me five years to find out that I really could breath without that man.

2003-10-16T11:06:00.000-07:00

I seem to be having a severe case of electronic death right now. First the video card in my home computer dies the big death while we are in Florida. How did it spontaneously die while we were away? I have no idea AND it wasn't even a year old yet...but it's official it's dead. Last night, using a borrowed video card, I nearly had a nervous breakdown trying to get my damn printer to work. Then this morning...my PDA. I accidentally left it home yesterday which I think it must have taken as a personal affront so of course today it decided to freeze up. This required a hard reset which means that all my info is POOF gone. Now I do have it backed up on my computer at home. Not as recently as I should have but enough to not feel completely destroyed. But still...this is a bit much don't you think?

2003-10-15T14:05:00.000-07:00

He looks like a Rottweiler but he's really a Beagle inside....

I'm 39 years old. I'm telling you that because I had to get into my 30's before I started to have even remotely sane relationships. See I'm the kind of woman that irritated the ever living hell out of every nice guy out there. I'm an educated, intelligent, independent woman who always falls for the Bad Boy. The Badder the better. I spent all of my teen years and my 20's in and out of relationships with dark, dangerous and damaged men. The drug addicts, the alcoholics, the violent alcoholics, the sober alcoholics, the depressed sober alcoholics, and without fail almost all of them musicians or artists of some kind. I know, I know...it's such an annoying cliche but there it is. It was a trend I just couldn't seem to break. But then my 30th birthday came along. Until the week before my 30th birthday I had been in a relatively pleasant relationship with a very nice guy who had a few issues here and there that would cause him to break up with me rather unexpectedly and then want to get back together within about 24 hours. He needed to break up with me the week before my 30th birthday and so he did and something in me just snapped. I guess I had finally had enough of my life being ruled by someone else's drama. So I got a little fired up about possessing my own life, about knowing what I wanted and taking responsibility for getting it. Now I know this is starting to sound like some sappy Very Special Episode on the Lifetime Network For Women but damnit sometimes it really does happen that way. So I decided to have a great 30th birthday regardless of that mans drama and I did have a great birthday. Now the reason I'm telling you all of this is because this is the moment when I made one of those life altering left turns, for once I actually went in a new direction and I haven't looked back yet. I was single for quite a while and found that I LOVED being single. I loved everything about it. I loved living alone, I loved going out whenever I wanted with whomever I wanted, I loved everything being my way ALL the time. Single worked really well for me. But it seems that we are hardwired for the act of falling in love. I dated a few people that I really loved but in the end those relationships ran their most successful course and changed into friendships. I had finally learned how to successfully get OUT of relationships as well is in to them. So there I was, single again.

Then I met Charlie.

Charlie and I worked at the same place. Trouble. I knew the rules, you don't date people from work. I had spent five years in my 20's having horrific fights in the middle of the work place with a boyfriend, breaking up, getting back together, being tragic and heartbroken in front of all my co-workers. NOT AGAIN! But...there he was. This adorable 6' 1", 280 pound, long haired, bearded, Harley ridin', leather wearin' teddy bear. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! He looks like trouble! Clearly he IS trouble...because I am totally attracted to him. I spend all day making up excuses to go over to the where he is, coming up with idiotic reasons to ask him questions. I am in big ass trouble. I tell my friends and they can't seem to figure out why I'm being such a doofus. People who know him better than I do tell me that he's really nice, he takes care of his granny, he plays bass in a punk band, that he doesn't party, he's a great employee, he's financially responsible, and he laughs all the time. That laugh. I love that laugh. We finally go out. Have a very good time. He's very gentle and sweet and happy. He's HAPPY ladies and gentleman. Just a basically happy person with a positive attitude in general. This when I realized that he looked like a Rottweiler but he's really a Beagle inside. We started to date each other regularly, exclusively, suddenly it dawns on me that I could continue with this man, just like it is, forever. I mean he doesn't need to change, get better, get different, nothing...it's all good. I realize that I could actually consider marrying this man, I am absolutely astounded by that thought....I'd be willing to have children with this man, I'm almost driven unconscious by THAT realization. So after dating for three years we decided to get married.

The wonderful thing about getting married at this point in my life is that I know who I am, I know what's important to me and what I don't give a good goddamn about. There's no mind reading required in this marriage, I tell him what I want and need and I'll just ask him if I need to know something about him. It's up to him to tell me the truth. I've learned to keep my mouth shut when it's time to keep it shut. I've learned to mind my own damn business and to leave him alone when he's mad. I do the dishes, he does the grocery shopping and we each do our own laundry. I figured out that life is made up of all these mundane things, all this little day to day crap that can either be what makes your life together rich and uniquely yours or it can pile up on top of you and suffocate your love for each other. It seems that it's not really about how much you love each other, though I do not mean to dismiss or minimize how important it is that you do love your spouse. It seems to be more about how you negotiate all that minutia. Because I have loved people deeply that I could not continue to have in my life, I have loved people deeply that in the end I didn't really like. For me, my marriage works because there is enough light, enough joy, enough kindness, enough responsibility, enough passion, enough darkness, enough practicality, enough in common, enough different, enough closeness, enough space AND enough love. Every day I wake up and I'm so happy to be in my life with this person....I still look at him and think "Yeah, I could just keep doing this...forever."

2003-10-13T15:09:00.000-07:00

I had a dream the other night that my friend Joanne wasn’t dead. She showed up at a party and told me that she had been on a secrete mission for the Navy and everyone had been told that she was dead but it wasn’t true. I was so happy to see her. I hugged her very, very hard and I could feel her shoulder bones through her cotton top. I thought to myself that I better not break her seeing as we just got her back. She smiled her big Joanne smile and I thought to myself “Right ON! Now we can run around and do our crazy things together again.”

But then I woke up, and Joanne was dead again. She’s been gone a long time now. The other night I found some photos of her that I took when we were in high school. I guess that’s why she was on my mind.

2003-10-10T08:59:00.000-07:00

I hate Sam Walton.

I hate Wal-Mart.

My Dad grew up in a town called Chiefland and my Mom grew up in the neighboring town, Bronson. Small towns. People owned businesses there. Grocery stores, hardware stores, gas stations, auto parts, flower shops, drug stores, pet stores, feed stores, etc. Then Sam and his version of a discounted life showed up. Wal-Mart bullies it’s suppliers to keep their wholesale prices at rock bottom, then they pass on that “savings” to their customers. They also bully their employees into accepting 32 hours a week as “full time” employment and they continue to try and get around the Federal laws regarding what an exempt “manager” is so they don’t have to pay anyone overtime even though those “managers” are really just stocking shelves. They also barely pay above the minimum wage. Keeping those prices down. Which means that the locally owned and operated hardware store or even nationally owned and UNIONIZED grocery store can’t compete.

Can’t compete.

Because the people get desperate for a slightly cheaper loaf of bread or light bulb or bunch of daisies….but they forget that if they shop at Wal-Mart they soon won’t have their job at the flower shop or the grocery store or the hardware store.

So now their little town seems to be shriveling and the only jobs available are at Wal-Mart, and you almost can’t get by with just that income so you have to wait tables at one of the local restaurants too. So here you are at 40 years of age with a high school education and no health insurance and no retirement plan and you have to work two damn jobs just to watch your once thriving small town die a slow pitiful death.

Because you didn’t have the sense to kick Sam Walton in the nuts when he came calling.

2003-10-09T13:53:00.000-07:00

Back from Florida.

Saw a sign there that said, "NRA Concealed Weapons Class call...." this sign was outside the standard Airstream trailer parked on the side of the tiny road leading to Cedar Key.

Just made me wonder if the class would be taking place in the Airstream. Must not be expecting many people or maybe they will be having the class just there by the side of the road.

Maybe they'll get together, discuss putting the weapons into their pockets or purses or ankle holsters and then decide they've covered enough ground and walk on up the road to Annies for a cup of coffee. Secure and smirky with the knowledge that their weapons are concealed.

2003-10-01T12:53:00.000-07:00

Well folks tomorrow morning my husband, Mom and Dad and I will be flying off to north central Florida. I specify the "north central" part so you won't think I'm about to go hang out in Lauderdale or Daytona or South Beach.

Nuh huh.

The sticks is where my family is from and that is where we have to go to visit them. I'm fond of saying that it might as well be South Georgia just so folks understand the sort of area I'm talking about.

Ohhhhhhh....I like to make fun...but the truth is it's beautiful country where we are going. The two little towns that my parents are from and kind sad simply because they are like many small town in America, they are dyeing. There are no jobs so the young people have to leave to find work. So everything is in a state of "crumbling beauty" to quote Tom Waits.

We will be staying in a little place on the Gulf Coast called Cedar Key. Very pretty, right on the water. We'll take some trips inland so that my Dad can show my husband Charlie the Suwannee River and Manatee Springs which is right around where my Dad grew up.

The cypress tress growing in the water with their Halloween looking knees poking up through the water and Spanish moss hanging down from their tops are spooky and lovely and lonely.

We'll visit our elderly family members, perhaps for the last time. We'll eat lots of fried mullet and shrimp and grits for dinner. We'll rest and walk and rest some more.

It will be a good trip.

See you all when I return next week.

Blessings.

2003-09-30T11:34:00.000-07:00

Mia, Jules, Dan and myself have recently been commiserating about the shortness of funds of late.

I thought this would be a good time to recount some of my experiences with my philosophy of "money comes". It's pretty simple. The entire philosophy is...."money comes". Here's why I believe this:

Every time in my life when my debt has surmounted my income, when I no longer actually ever answer my phone because I'm avoiding creditors, when I'm finally having to choose between buying food and paying the rent...something shows up. Not the lottery exactly, but something a whole lot like it.

One time, a friend that I hadn't seen in quite a few years sent me $1000.00 because she had come into some money herself and wanted to share it with certain people who had made a big impact on her life.

Another time an ex-boyfriend sent me a letter that contained some genuine sentiments as well as the $900.00 he had owed me for many, many years...that one showed up in time to solve a rent dilemma.

One year I had gotten my finances in order but I was living pretty tight and learning how to say "NO" to things that I couldn't afford. One of those things was a spiritual retreat that I really wanted to go to but just didn't have the $100.00 to pay for it. A friend called me up at the last minute and said that she had an unexpected windfall and wanted to pay for me to go to the retreat.

Just recently I discovered that I had too much money in my checking account...which was good because I was playing a wicked game of Beat The Bank (you know, will the deposit get there before the checks do). The mystery money in my account was from a check that I had written to woman who did some work for me last spring and she forgot to cash it and then decided to hold it because it had been so long, and she's perfectly happy to wait until I get back from Florida to cash it....TOTALLY SAVING MY ASS THIS WEEK.

I continue to be amazed how just what I need seems to show up at exactly the last possible moment....maybe not one crumb more than I need or one minute sooner than the last minute, but enough to get by right when it's needed, until I get a better handle on the financial moment. I have finally gotten to a place in my life where I can determine the difference between when I'm handling my money poorly and when there just isn't enough to go around. Interestingly enough either way, it still seems to work out.

Big blessings out to all today....there's been talk of a clothing co-op, a poverty pot luck and I myself am a big fan of the old fashioned Rent Party. You bring a dish and a buck....the person who hosts the party gets the moolah to help them out with rent.

2003-09-29T09:18:00.000-07:00

Well simply because I felt so similar I'm going to copy Kerry today.

When I woke up this morning after having fallen asleep about an hour before the alarm went off I felt like I had been on a two week speed binge...and I pretty much still feel that way.

2003-09-28T12:32:00.000-07:00

I found myself once again ranting about the fact that for a democracy to truly work we have to have an educated citizenship. Critical thinking people....what has happened to that? Why is it that graduate school professor find that their GRADUATE SCHOOL students are not capable of critical thinking? Don't you start learning that in elementary school? Isn't that really the point of ALL education....I mean really? All that information that is imparted to you in school is really just a WAY to teach the process of critical thinking, isn't it? Could it be that even educators have forgotten the point of education? But that doesn't make sense...I mean, at least the educators that I know seem to be aware of that point. They seem to clearly understand that all the TESTING requirements aren't really helping us get the citizenship educated. We so often bemoan the loss of "common sense" but in truth common sense is critical thinking isn't it? I mean if you can't deduce that the meat that you bought in the store shouldn't be eaten due to the fact that it is brown and smells bad then I would call that a failure in critical thinking....my Mom would say you didn't have the sense God gave a rock. Either way, we got a bigass problem.

On the other hand my friend M. gives me hope. M. is a thirty year old guy who had a kid when he was fifteen. The kids Mom disappeared and M. and his Mom raised his kid while he finished high school and then he started to work. Because he had a kid to raise. So now his kid is in high school and M. has decided that he wants to go to college, so he is. He also decided that the people that he knows that are "smart" in his opinion are people who are well read and who are interested in the world around them.

So he asked me what I thought he should read.

Wow. What a question...I could have spent a couple of months answering but that wouldn't have served the moment very well....so I recommended the book I always recommend when I want someone to fall in love with reading and discover that "great literature" as defined by most high school English teachers can be wonderful and fun.

"East of Eden" by John Steinbeck.

My recommendation just happened to coincide with Oprah telling the entire world to go read East of Eden so, while it was on the best sellers lists, he had a hard time finding it in stock anywhere which I found highly amusing. But eventually he did find it....and was immediately intimated by the page count.

But he jumped in....and kept reading....and reading....and then...oh then it happened....he got so into the story that it just swept him away. He kept track of ALL the characters, was amazed that people back then were just like people now, that a fiction book could make such astounding points, could make him THINK.

He then bought himself one of those books that list all the summer reading lists for all these different colleges. Hell I haven't read most of that shit....

On Friday he told me that he went out and bought Plato's "Republic" and Nietzche's "Beyond Good and Evil".

Now that's what I call intellectual courage....

2003-09-25T17:11:00.000-07:00

Once again I wholeheartedly agree with Greg over at Geese Aplenty, I too want a This is all just a bad dream box to check for this damn Recall/Election. It's just all so depressing....how did our society and culture get so ignorant and shallow?

2003-09-24T09:43:00.000-07:00

Better today...now I'm behind at work, well ok...I was behind before I got the migraine yesterday morning but that's neither here nor there.

So I've developed a stupid superstitious process for buying lottery tickets. When I drive by the 7-11 on my way to work IF there is parking space available I will drive in and buy a ticket, if there is no parking space available I will not drive in and buy a ticket because OBVIOUSLY the Universe will not even give me a parking space much less a winning lottery ticket.

Trust me I am completely aware of how totally stupid this is and yet I do it anyway.

I think it was Einstein who said, "There are only two things that are infinite, the Universe and human stupidity and I'm not so sure about the Universe."

2003-09-23T13:01:00.000-07:00

Sick today....Sorry the posting has been so non-existent. I'll improve.

I promise.

Now I must go lay down.

2003-09-18T16:22:00.000-07:00

The following question was asked of me by an organization called The Daily Poll. My answer was:

The Distillers doing "Mr. Bigstuff"

I love this question and really love all the potential answers....so I thought I'd ask you my dear readers.

If you could get any musician to cover any song, which musician and song would you choose?

2003-09-18T12:50:00.000-07:00

I know, I know...it's Thursday and my last blog was on Tuesday...it's nuts here...my boss hasn't actually gone home in a couple days due to all these crazy deadlines we are trying to meet. There's so much going on....please don't give up....I'll try to be clever over the weekend.

2003-09-16T09:54:00.000-07:00

Well let's see...Friday was emergency dental surgery, sudden need to have a tooth extracted, that went well except for my bank account. I'm not sure it's going to survive. Yesterday though I did receive a lovely gift from the delightful Patricia. She has a great website and blog so please visit her. Work is crazy so I'm afraid there isn't much blogging today.

2003-09-12T09:20:00.000-07:00

Alana had a good idea this morning so I think I'll copy her. Johnny Cash paved the way for many, many musicians but I tend to think that Lucinda Williams and Steve Earl are his truest heirs.

I hear the train a comin'; it's rollin' 'round the bend,
And I ain't seen the sunshine since I don't know when.
I'm stuck at Folsom Prison and time keeps draggin' on.
But that train keeps rollin' on down to San Antone.

When I was just a baby, my mama told me, "Son,
Always be a good boy; don't ever play with guns."
But I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
When I hear that whistle blowin' I hang my head and cry.

I bet there's rich folk eatin' in a fancy dining car.
They're prob'ly drinkin' coffee and smokin' big cigars,
But I know I had it comin', I know I can't be free,
But those people keep a movin', and that's what tortures me.

Well, if they freed me from this prison, if that railroad train was mine,
I bet I'd move on over a little farther down the line,
Far from Folsom Prison, that's where I want to stay,
And I'd let that lonesome whistle blow my blues away.
-Johnny Cash 1968

2003-09-11T21:23:00.000-07:00

Outside a new day is dawning.
Outside Suburbia's sprawling everywhere.
I don't want to go baby.
New York to East California.
There’s a new wave coming I warn you.

We're the kids in America.
Everybody live for the music-go-round.

We're the kids in America.
Kim Wilde

Now something has bothered me for a long, long time.

Why is the new wave that is coming, the one of which Kim speaks, stopping at East California? I mean I was here in what could be technically called WEST California when she released this song and I assure you WE TOO lived for the music-go-round.

2003-09-11T09:41:00.000-07:00

My friend Rik took this amazing trip across America in response to the tragedy of 9/11. Today would be a great day to visit his site and read some of what he found on that trip.

Blessings out to all.

2003-09-10T11:46:00.000-07:00

So finally I get around to answering the interview questions sent to me by the lovely Jules.

If you would like to play along and have me interview you....the following rules apply:
1. If you want to participate, leave me a comment saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

1. What beloved CD should be removed from your collection due to its effect on your moods?

Probably Joni Mitchell’s Hejira. Now I’d kill anyone who tried to take it away from me but it is the soundtrack to some pretty dark times in my life and I can’t help but revisit them when I listen to that CD. The song Black Crow is particularly meaningful for me.

“I looked at the morning
After being up all night
I looked at my haggard face in the bathroom light
I looked out the window
And I saw that ragged soul take flight
I saw a back crow flying
In a blue sky
Oh I'm like a black crow flying
In a blue sky.”

2. Saturday Night Live or Mad T.V.?

I really don’t currently watch either one….even though I should support Mad T.V. because I have friends who work on it. I go through phases with television in general. I’m pretty dedicated to The West Wing, but with the changing of the guard on that show I’m not sure how long that will last. Other than that….I’d rather read.

3. Can you choose who you love? Are you sure?

Wow…good question. I honestly don’t think you can. Otherwise, wouldn’t all of us looney chicks who dated all those bad, bad boys have instead picked the really nice, good guys who showed up on time and were emotionally available? I have loved people that no one in their right mind would “choose” to love, and in truth I wasn’t in my right mind at the time. But the love was, and is still, real. I think you can choose who you have in your life, and I think that as you develop different values in your life you find yourself loving different people…but in the end, as Emily Dickenson said, “…the heart wants what it wants, or else it doesn’t care.” And yes, I’m sure for me anyway.

4. You have five days left to live. You can't stop or change it. What do you do with the time you have?

Well I will assume that I suddenly have endless resources for these final five days (because that’s what I want to assume) and I will fly all of my beloved friends and family to Galway Ireland because I have wanted to go there my whole entire life, we will sing and dance and ride horses and eat and laugh and cry and I will not drink alcohol but I will smoke and I will tell them all how much I love them and that every last one of them has been a blessing to me.

5. The best compliment you ever received was...

I sent some poetry I had written to my friend Z. and she wrote me back and, I’ll have to paraphrase here, said that she loved my poetry because it was so “butt fucking honest, it was like being told a wonderful nasty secret behind the house.”

2003-09-08T14:52:00.000-07:00

My friend, M. and I walked up to the Chapel. It was already over 100 degrees, but that’s pretty normal for early September in the West Valley of San Fernando. Many people had already arrived and were standing in front of the Chapel in what little bits of shade were available. Over to the right, along the curve of the cemetery grass sparkling ice cream sherbet colored hot rods were parking in the hot sun. We turned up the drive to get to the steps when I noticed these older men in military uniforms with guns. They were standing off to the side from everyone else, smoking and chatting. M. looked at me and said, “Oh yeah, he was in the Navy for a while”. Ahhhh….I get it, honor guard. Then I noticed the little planter where they had placed a pair of combat boots, a gun standing up with its bayonet driven into the ground and a combat helmet balanced on the butt of the gun. Then it dawned on me….honor guard…..twenty-one gun salute…Taps.

Nothing is as haunting and mournful sounding as Taps. I guess it should be, I guess that’s the purpose. My Dad played trumpet while he was in the military, he even marched in the band while at the academy….he had to play taps upon occasion. He said it was the toughest thing he ever had to do while in the military…and he served at the tail end of WWII. There were probably lots of tough things…but he only ever mentioned how hard it was to have to play Taps. Taps is the setting sun, the coming of darkness, the cold wind of death. Taps is the end.

There was no more room inside the Chapel, we stood outside and listened to the minister over the speakers talk about a 32 year old young man who was dead. I didn’t know him, but I could hardly stand seeing his beautiful young widow having to survive this day. Her, I know. Finally the minister asked everyone to go outside for the twenty-one gun salute. She also mentioned that it would be very loud and to please cover the ears of any babies or small children. Everyone came outside.

The honor guard guys all stood at attention. One of them gave one of those deep throated military orders that only they understand and then…BOOM! Everyone jumps. It’s so much louder than you think it’s gonna be. Then the clinking of the spent shells falling to the ground. BOOM! Clink, clink, clink. BOOM! Clink, clink, clink. Until it is over.

Then my friends father walks her over to one of the military guys who is holding an American flag, folded up in that way that they fold them for the dead. Her father holds her as she sways, he helps to hold her arm up to keep her hand across her heart as the older military gentleman salutes and then it starts…

Taps

2003-09-04T14:08:00.000-07:00

Many years ago I was lucky enough to spend some time with some teenagers on a regular basis. I’m not being sarcastic, I actually adore teenagers. These kids were involved in a group called Alateen and the reason I was involved was because I was, and am, a member of Alanon and Alcoholics Anonymous. At the time I was about 28 years old the Alateen group was a large one with kids ranging in age from 12 to 21. I was what is called an adult co- sponsor. All that amounted to was that I was there, with another adult sponsor, to simply make sure that the room got opened up, the rent got turned in, if there were any problems with the place we were renting space from we would deal with it for the group…oh and we made sure that no other adults or parents came into the meetings. Alateen is for kids that have alcoholic relatives, often their parents but sometimes a sibling, sometimes both. Most often kids get to Alateen once their parents, or at least one of their parents, have gotten into recovery themselves. I co-sponsored that particular meeting for two years. In those two years my life changed radically. I learned so much from those kids. Some of them had been in Alateen since they were 12 years old and when I got there they were 16 and 17 years old, able to accept all that they couldn’t control and taking responsibility for what they could control. Amazing young people. Some didn’t get it. Some came in and out and never knew if it helped them or not. But some of them…well some of them I see regularly still, some I see usually once or twice a year. They are young adults now. Some married and starting their families. Living good lives. Some in Alanon and/or AA themselves now. One of the most amazing things I learned from my two years with those kids was how to love someone so much that it makes your heart ache and stay close by but to allow them the room to find their own way. That lesson continues to serve me every day and I am forever grateful to those Alateens.

I found out today that one of those 16 year old girls that I spent those two years with and whom I have seen at a regular convention almost every year for the last ten years was sitting in a car on the side of the freeway this past Tuesday holding her six month old baby, car trouble. Her husband was standing at the side of the road talking to the tow truck driver who had just pulled up behind them. This was at rush hour on a heavily traveled freeway heading east…when almost all of L.A. is trying to get home…so there was the usual stop and go traffic. A woman apparently felt that she couldn’t be bothered to stay on the actual freeway with everyone else and decided to drive at what must have been a very high rate of speed down the shoulder. She crashed into the tow truck killing herself, the tow truck driver and that young husband. My young friend, who is now about 28 years old, survived as did her child, but had the misfortune to actually see her husband get killed.

My heart aches and I’m trying to stay close by…

2003-08-31T10:21:00.000-07:00

I wrote this a few years ago and just re-discovered it.

All my bones shattered in the night
the weight of too much....
just too much
destroyed them.
Now I’m left with
razor edges and splinters
cutting me to pieces
as I try to move through my day.

2003-08-29T21:55:00.000-07:00

It's Cosmo's moon out there tonight. Bigger than any moon has a right to be. An insistent moon, a moon that demands wildness, running naked through the hills, howling, yipping, jumping, humping, drinking water from the gutter and loving it. That moon will not let you sleep, it won't even let you rest. It'll make you pull out a red dress that's slit too high and cut too low with black stiletto pumps that'll make you walk like a cripple tomorrow. But tonight isn't tomorrow, tonight, in the light of that moon, you will dance salsa with a stranger, and then kiss him deeply, full on the mouth, attacking his tongue with yours, and then just walk away. It's Cosmo's moon out there tonight, don't miss it.

2003-08-27T16:16:00.000-07:00

CW says he will post a test for single men to determine whether or not they deserve to be in the dating pool. I, with the help a few devoted friends, developed a series of questions that if you couldn't come up with a decent answer to a reasonable percentage of them, and yes I determined what was "reasonable", there was no point in proceeding to an actual date. A few of these questions follow:

Are you single according to the laws of this state?

Can you give a simple explanation of Einstein's Theory of Relativity, specific or general will do?

Compare and contrast the guitar styles of Eric Clapton and Jimi Hendrix.

What do you think Bog Dylans impact was on rock and roll music?

Do you know who painted the Mona Lisa? Can you name anything else painted or invented by this artist?

Do you know who wrote I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings? What about To Kill A Mockingbird?

Do you have any idea what I'm talking about when I mention the names Diaghilev, Nijinsky, Nureyev, Baryshnikov, and Makarova?

What is your opinion of the arts in public education?

What are your opinions about the current state of our civil rights?

Do you like dogs?

Are you on speaking terms with ANY member of your family?

Do you find it necessary to go into the bathroom and slam dope every 15 minutes?

Do you like to read books?

Would you prefer to see a play by Ibsen or Chekhov?

Can you explain to me the poetry and magic that is the internal combustion engine?

Do you know what day the music died?

Do you know who the Hollywood Ten were?

Any idea at all who Lillian Hellman was? What about Dorothy Parker?

Can you name at least four blues musicians...and you can stop right now if your first thought is Michael Bolton.

Do you show up on time, do you have a job, do you have your own vehicle, do you have your own place to live, do you pay your bills on time...

and most importantly

are you currently incarcerated?

I could go on forever...but I'll stop here.

2003-08-26T14:37:00.000-07:00

Hey folks a big shout out to Jared for sending me to this site (California residents only) regarding the California Recall. I'm so irritated on so many levels by this damn recall I can hardly see straight. I gotta say the bottom line is....we can't afford it. We can't afford it financially or politically. I don't like Gray Davis, but even MORE than I don't like him I don't like spending $50 to $60 MILLION dollars for this jackassical fucking special election. Think about it people....

2003-08-25T16:37:00.000-07:00

Ok...I have been suspecting, from reading all those magazines that are published on the East Coast, that it might be fall. Today I was over at Shampoo Solo's blog and it was verified by an announcement that it is indeed fall in Rhode Island. So I'm figuring it's fall just about everywhere in the East. This is irritating. Out here in the West it's still a blazing summer. It will continue to be a blazing summer mostly likely all the way through September well into October. I often feel bad for the little kids around here at Halloween because it has been known to be sweltering at the end of October which means that it's tough to enjoy wearing your Darth Vader costume. That's why when I was a kid I only ever wanted to be a Gypsy. I could wear a short sleeved cotton blouse with a cotton skirt and lots of jewelry and a scarf on my head...done and no excessive sweating involved. God help you if you decided you wanted to go as Chewbacca.

2003-08-22T14:54:00.000-07:00

Article I
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Anyone who thinks that the Ten Commandments are NOT the cornerstone of the Christian religion perhaps needs to go back and study not only a bit theology but some plain old history.

"...establishment of religion,..." we cannot afford the slippery slope of any ONE religion "seeming" to be established or favored in any way by our government and that includes our judiciary. Morality is complex and we as a culture and, in my opinion, as a species are just going to have to find a way to greater "morality" without trying to limit its source to Christianity. Our culture is too complex for that and as we can see around us Religious Wars are still alive and well in this world. All that murder and mayhem doesn't seem all that "moral" to me...and yet it's all seemingly based in religious disagreements. We only have to take a quick look back into history to find the Crusades, and the result of the blending of governments and religions. So perhaps the religions do not make the people moral. Perhaps the people are moral when they so choose to be. Let’s face it, it’s not easy to live in this world as a “moral” person….or is it? Well I guess it would depend on your definition of morality now wouldn’t it?

This Country is nothing if not devoted to the freedom of the individual. You and I might not agree on what is “moral”. I think it’s immoral to beat your wife, you might not agree with me on that. I think it’s moral for any adult to have sex with any other adult, you might not agree with me on that. I don’t think it’s moral to cheat on your spouse, but I don’t think it should be punishable under the laws of the land. You might not agree with me on that.

Therein lies the issue eh?

Perhaps that’s why we have laws that are agreed upon by all of us, which are upheld by our Courts free from any religious influence, free from any one persons or groups morality. In our laws we seem to find the middle ground of our morality as a culture.

I agree that we are in a cultural/societal crisis these days regarding morality. But I don’t agree that there are any easy solutions. I don’t agree that religion, simply by existence, results in morality. History as well as current affairs shows us that Government blended with religion does not result in morality.

It appears that morality must be a matter of choice. And choice cannot be successfully imposed upon people…..it must be chosen, by free will, otherwise it is simply giving in to tyranny.

2003-08-22T11:23:00.000-07:00

SLEEP GLORIOUS SLEEP!!

Hours and hours of it.....finally. I went for a walk and then did some sit ups and some stretching before dinner last night. Had a good healthy dinner and then convinced my husband, sweet man that he is, to stay up a little later than so I could possibly fall asleep before he came to bed. This all worked. I did fall asleep. Even though I could still feel Mars staring at me. I just fell asleep right in the face of all that Mars attention and energy. Now if I can just continue the trend.

2003-08-21T13:08:00.000-07:00

I gotta say I blame Mars. Yeah....Mars, the planet. I figure the reason I'm not sleeping well recently must be because Mars is simply much too close. I mean that's the only thing that's really different right? I am an Aries, not that I set all THAT much stock in astrology, but what the heck. Mars is my ruling planet and it's just too damn close. I'm tired but not even as tired as I should be considering how little sleep I've been getting...that's just strange. I've been hearing from other people that they are having troubled sleep as well.

So it's not just me.

It's Mars people and there's not a damn thing we can do about it except wait for it to move away from the Earth.

In the mean time...be warned...I may be just a teensy bit crankier than usual.

P.S.
Thanks for all the nice interest and comments about my Twists.

2003-08-19T13:04:00.000-07:00

Well it's been brought to my attention that some of you who visit this blog do not actually live in California and since I did link to my website that shows my Twists in my last post I guess I should let you all know that if you'd like to purchase either a Shimmering Twist or a Word Twist you can simply email me and I can let you know what they cost and give you an estimate on how long it would take to get it made and sent to you. I have some choices for the Word Twists, i.e. choices about what they would say OR you can send me something that you would like to have on the Word Twist. Now all of that said....I would greatly appreciate it if any of you who follow the link to the website please let me know if you can see the photos???

2003-08-19T09:36:00.000-07:00

OK...here we are...its Tuesday morning, I'm at work. I didn't get to sleep until around 2AM. I'm very very tired of this insomnia crap. Last night I got up and wrote in my journal for a bit and then wrote a letter to Z. my insomnia buddy. We write letters to each other while in the throws of insomnia so as to have something to do in the hopes that doing something will lead us to sleep. If not...well at least we get mail from each other and that's pretty fun. Her letters tend to be funny or insightful...I find mine to be rather whiney or bitter. At least I put cool stickers on the envelopes though...it sort of makes up for the whiney bitterness.

Here's the thing about lack of sleep. It makes me less tolerant of others. I'm not all that tolerant as it is...so this is rather dangerous. So in an effort to be more spiritual, more gracious, just closer to a decent human being....I'm trying to keep my head down today. Keep my mouth shut and the headphones on with the music up loud.

I swear....if I can't sleep tonight I'm just gonna stay up, get some snacks and start working on my mobiles. Screw it...if I'm gonna be awake anyway I may as well commit to it and get something done.

2003-08-15T21:39:00.000-07:00

Well it's 9:30 on a Friday night and I'm planning on going OUT to a club to hear a friend of mine's band play. I'm really much too old for this sort of crap. It's also annoyingly hot still. This insane heat really must end soon. The truth is the reason I'm going to see the band is because my friend has been having a bit of a hard time and could use a little moral support. Good enough reason for me to show up. This particular friend is someone that I've known for quite some time now. I love her like a sister. Some people around her are being less than supportive right now and honestly I want to kick their lilylivered asses. But I won't. I do understand that she has to find her own way with this shit. I understand that what might seem simple and clear to me standing over here isn't at all clear and simple to her standing in the midst of it all. So I won't do any ass kicking.

Unless those beyatches bring it on themselves and do something so obvious that I can see it happen while they are onstage. In that case I think I will be within my rights to mention their complete, to steal a lovely term from Mia, FUCK-TARDNESS right to their petty, whiney little faces.

Soooooooo...I think that sounds reasonable, don't you?

2003-08-14T14:49:00.000-07:00

Just a West Coast shout out to all you folks in the Northeast caught without any power all of sudden. Hang in there and take care of each other. Of course you have no power so you can’t read my blog right at the moment, but maybe just sending out the good thoughts to you will help.

2003-08-10T15:27:00.000-07:00

TRAINS!

THERE ARE TRAINS IN LOS ANGELES NOW PEOPLE!!

HONEST...I rode them all day on Saturday.

From Sierra Madre into Pasadena into China Town (station drops you one block down and one block over from the original Yang Chows...now that's just a gift from God) then to Union Station. Then onto a different line and past the station that's only a block from the Music Center and the new Disney Concert Hall on into Hollywood, lunch at the new monstrosity at the corner of Hollywood Blvd. and Highland then out to North Hollywood. Then back almost halfway to Union Station switch lines again and go all the way down to Long Beach! It was really cool.

I gotta say I'm not so crazy about the Long Beach run, it's slow and not all that well designed. But other than that these darn trains go places that people in L.A. actually try to go, places where it would be nice to go and not have to try and park your car. The Hollywood stops are all really great. There's a stop right near my favorite Thai restaurant, there's a stop right at the Wiltern Theatre, the Pantages Theatre, a block from Manns Chinese, and stops all along the cool part of Vermont.

Oh...and the station art is really, really great. There's wonderful public art at every station and almost every platform even...good stuff!

RIDE THE TRAINS PEOPLE...IT’S FUN!!

2003-08-07T12:29:00.000-07:00

Well I’m not feeling so antagonistic towards my husband today. I do wish everyone at my office would just leave me alone. I’m tired and sleepy and irritable and just can’t take one more comment about the nightmare that is the California Recall Election. I honestly don’t know how I didn’t end up in jail for assault when I was in college and was only sleeping about eight hours out of every 48 hours. Of course I spent a lot of that “awake” time alone in my room pacing in circles, so that certainly reduced the chances of me hurting anyone other than myself. But MAN I hate being all fucked up because of not sleeping.

2003-08-07T01:15:00.000-07:00

Tonight is one of those rare nights when I don’t want to be married. I’m pissed off that my husband can be such a totally spoiled brat. It makes me want to call up his Grandmother and scream, “WHY DID YOU RAISE HIM LIKE THIS? WHY ON EARTH DID YOU DO EVERY GODDAMN THING FOR HIM? HE’S ALMOST WORTHLESS!!” But it’s 1 AM and it wouldn’t be so nice to call an 82 year old lady just to scream at her. That might be considered a bit selfish and graceless. Have I mentioned that I HATE conflict of any kind? I do. I absolutely fucking hate it with a purple passion. I would rather pack my bags and leave town than have to deal with a teensy little conflict with husband. I’m perfectly happy to get into it with just about anyone at work or even total strangers….but not my significant other. Now this has absolutely NOTHING to do with him. It isn’t because he gets scary or anything, I just have a totally irrational aversion to conflict with whomever I’m involved with in an intimate relationship. Now yes, this does have a source, and it’s pretty damn predictable…violent alcoholics in my past and so on…but so what? Knowing the source doesn’t change how it feels. Knowing that avoiding conflict doesn’t work also doesn’t change how it feels. Seriously I’m quite certain that it would be better for all involved if I just got dressed got in my car and drove to New Mexico to start my career as the cashier at the Chevron station. Eventually he’d forget about me, move on to someone who can stand the stress of saying, “I’m getting pissed off about this or that”. I’m just not up to it I guess.

Ya know, part of the problem is the extremity of my head. I can go from “that is a bit irritating” to “that’s it, it’s over, I’m outta here you selfish SOB, I LOVED LIVING ALONE WHY DID I LET MYSELF GET TALKED INTO THIS MARRIAGE CRAP? New Mexico here I come” in about…oh…I’d say it usually only takes roughly 30 seconds.

I know, I know…I’m a total lunatic. At least I don’t voice that shit anymore. But while the crazy Run Away Voices are shouting….I’m not sleeping….like now.

He’s sleeping.

Just fine.

Not that I’m resentful or anything.

Well, yeah I am, that’s the fucking problem eh?

On nights like this I do not think that there is anything smart about having given up smoking.

Ah well….it’s just life being lifey I guess.

2003-08-06T14:31:00.000-07:00

I have found that it is equally disturbing to be kissed with seemingly great purpose or with total disregard if the person kissing you is someone that you love and if you do not know the source of their great purpose or disregard.

2003-08-05T14:55:00.000-07:00

Apologies to those of you who have already read this as a part of a past Writober, but there are a few subtle changes.

8/5/2003 Revised

The death of a family member is always a bit stressful, even when it is anticipated. The death of a family member in a southern family is ripe for drama on the level of Tennessee Williams. My Grandmother is really my Step-Grandmother, she married my Grandfather when I was around four years old. She is very classic old school Scarlett O’Hara Southern. She’s the sort who will hug you, ask you if you’re hungry and then point out how tiny her waist is…. “Isn’t my waist tiny, y’all?” with her hands on her hips twisting this way and that waiting for you to agree that her waist is indeed tiny, which it is so it’s not like you have to lie or anything. She’s about 5’1” and up until right around the time my Grandfather died she ALWAYS wore high heels…EVERYWHERE. She would wear three inch heels to go over to The Station, my Grandfather owned the propane station in town, and work on the books. Hair a mile high, make-up an inch thick, finger nails and toe nails painted a polite pale pink. Now there’s no denying that my Grandparents loved each other. After my biological Grandmother was killed in a car accident my Grandfather was pretty devastated. When he started seeing the woman who would later become my Step-Grandmother he started to live again. This made my Mom very happy. I would say that for most of my life the first thing my Mom would say about Grandma was that she thought my Grandfather hung the moon and did everything in her power to keep him happy. But see, Grandma just isn’t really the kind of woman that my Mom gets along with all that well, but Mom always makes a valiant effort. See my Mom’s not much into appearances, she doesn’t generally do things that she doesn’t want to do, she doesn’t really give a damn what people think of her and she can’t stand what she calls, “silly, flighty, hysterical women who run around waitin’ on some man hand and foot”. Unfortunately that’s sort of an accurate description of my Step-Grandma.

It would be safe to say that the two of them live on opposite ends of the spectrum of southern women. This came into sharp relief when my Grandfather passed on.

As previously noted my Grandmother is well versed in the extremely dramatic tradition of southern women. In true old world style my Grandmother insisted that there had to be a viewing of my Grandfather. In the first place she had picked out a kazillion dollar coffin and that’s no good if nobody sees it, right? Secondly the viewing is where the first of the public grieving takes place. Now Mom was already irritated about the whole viewing/open casket business. She did not want to see her Dad laid out in the coffin, dead. She wanted to remember him alive and didn’t want those images intruded upon by seeing him dead. OK…what that translated into was that someone, such as me, had to go and sit with my Grandmother at the funeral home. Now I’ve lived my whole life in Southern California. I am pretty unfamiliar with these old school death traditions. But I’m trying to be a sport here. Trying to help out Mom and Grandma negotiate a tough time for the both of them, so I told Mom that I would stay in the front room with Grandma and the coffin and Mom could stay in the parlor. Yes, this small town funeral home had a “parlor”.

The entire damn town came by at some point during the evening.

Now every one of those people would come to the funeral and would also come to the house after the funeral. What on earth is the purpose of the viewing?

Well, in this little southern town I found out that it’s about everyone getting their moment in the tragedy limelight with The Widow. My Mom was holding court in the parlor (damn near having a party in there from the sound of it) while I was trapped with Blanche DuBois and an ever revolving cast of Stella’s in The Viewing room. I am not exaggerating….my Grandmother actually draped herself across my dead Grandfather weeping and saying “Oh why, why did you have to leave me. I don’t think I can take it” at which point a couple of the Stella’s would take a hold of her by the arms just before she collapsed completely and walk her back to the sofa all the while clucking out “Oh you poor dear” and “Honey you just let it out you just let it all out” that would be my Grandmother’s cue to start some real wailing for a little while before she would return to some quiet dignified weeping. As soon as the cast of Stella’s changed we’d go through the whole act again. At one point her wailing got so loud that is disturbed Mom’s party in the parlor and she came to the doorway of The Viewing room to see what was wrong. She looked at me, I rolled my eyes and she went back to the parlor. Now this is not to say that my Grandmother was being anything less than sincere in her emotions. She adored my Grandfather and was married to him for something like 22 years. But let’s face it, a southern woman who is burying her second husband knows how to play the moment for all it’s worth. As my Dad would later say, “She really knows how to throw a hissy fit and a rainbow spasm!”

2003-08-03T11:11:00.000-07:00

A little rant on the business of art and the art of business.

I’ve always thought I missed my calling as an album producer or perhaps a life as an A&R person. Then again, every time I talk with one friend or another about all the endless dramas surrounding their life in a band I just want to run for the hills. The music business is just barely a “business” by most standards. It’s really just an accepted form of the Mob in truth. It’s so un-businesslike right up until the moment that they get some desperate young artist to sign on the dotted line and then baby it’s nothin’ but high level lawyers and ironclad contracts. To get you to sign on that dotted line they will whip out every manipulative cliché you can imagine. “You trust us don’t you?” “We would never actually ASK for that amount but we should put SOMETHING in that space.” “We hate this part of it all, and it’s doesn’t really mean anything because we’ll just put a different contract together later…just sign this for now…” “You don’t need a lawyer to look at it, it’s just a little temporary contract” “We’re all friends here right?”…WRONG! What a fucking load of bullshit! I can’t believe in this day and age people are still trying to manipulate artists in this fashion. I’m sad to say that they still try to do it because most of the time it works. I’ve spent my entire adult life working in the arts in some form or other and I get so mad when people try to guilt me into working for free or without an actual business agreement. I don’t mind if someone approaches me and says, “Hey I’d love to have you work on this project but we have no money.” Then I can decide if I can or want to do it or not. But when someone wants me to work without discussing payment or without a contract because of some bullshit touchy feely “we’re all in this together as artists and talking money is so gauche” crap it makes me want to beat them to a bloody pulp. Ya know, YOU can spit in your palm and shake on it if you like, but I’m gonna call my lawyer and make sure the contract is right!

2003-08-01T20:41:00.000-07:00

It has been suggested that my blog is like a hidden, shoddy little bar where brilliant but failed artists hang out. Now I must say that I sort of love that image, but people like A**** and B**** are blowin' the curve by being interviewed in the same article as Jay Leno and having written a book. So if you insist on actually being successful artists then you're simply going to have to drink a little more, not only are you being successful but you have to make for the fact that some of us are no longer allowed to drink...so get to it, otherwise we'll never turn into our own Algonquin Round Table blog.

2003-07-31T13:01:00.000-07:00

Ok...Miss B**** suggested the idea of the Algonquin Round Table game. Who would you be if you were a member of that auspicious group? Any Round Table Quotes will enhance the game. I think I would either be Dorothy Parker or Edna Ferber, but I'm leaning towards Edna. My favorite Edna quote: Noel Coward showed up to lunch and Edna was dressed in a mans suit he said, "You almost look like a man" and she said "So do you!"

Let the games begin!

2003-07-30T10:23:00.000-07:00

Did you know that Dorothy Parker didn’t really like Zelda Fitzgerald all that much? Apparently she found her to be “common” and “boring”. I’m pretty sure that “boring” was a death sentence with those Algonquin Round Table types.

P.S. Thanks for the comments, I feel much better now.

2003-07-29T11:56:00.000-07:00

Ok if this is something that ANYONE over the age of 17 finds acceptable, and obviously those folks at the Pentagon are over that age, then why don't we just go ahead and start up Death Race? I mean really people....if you have a job at the Pentagon or are a member of the House and you can't figure out why there's something wrong with this, well I guess we're in more trouble than even I thought.

2003-07-28T19:26:00.000-07:00

Is anybody out there? Y'all never comment and yet a few of you have said that you read. Just say hello now and then....pleasssssssse. See now I sound all needy and you will never want to be identified with my lousy blog. Crap!

2003-07-28T09:19:00.000-07:00

At least two-thirds of our miseries spring from human stupidity, human malice and those great motivators and justifiers of malice and stupidity: idealism, dogmatism and proselytizing zeal on behalf of religious or political ideas.

Aldous Huxley

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again here today. Please spend just a teensy bit of money and become a member of Salon. I'm pretty sure the link below will require that you be a subscriber to read the article.

Today there is a terrifying article by Michelle Goldberg that I think everyone should read. I think it’s vastly important that everyone is very clear on what the Republican party is saying about ANYONE who disagrees with them. I think it’s important that everyone pays very close attention to the extremists they are willing to tolerate at their main events as their representatives. I’m astounded by the brutality of their rhetoric, I’m astounded by their endless march towards tyranny. I really don’t understand why there is so much endless ranting about how Democrats hate America. Personally the only group I’ve seen start hacking away at the Constitution and the Bill of Rights recently are the Republicans. The only group I’ve seen that seems to think that our basic tenet of Separation of Church and State is wrong would be the Republicans. It’s always been a standing rule in America that our President is a CIVILIAN….not a member of the military. If that’s confusing to anyone you might want to check out all those military coups going on in most of South and Central America every other day. Why would I bring that up? Well geeze, I dunno, maybe because the Republicans keep harping on how WONDERFUL that little Navy Jet stunt was with President Bush. How only a REPUBLICAN could have pulled that off. Really? Maybe that’s the problem. Because see I personally DON’T want my President to be, even in appearance, a member of any branch of our military. We have a civilian government because the founders of this country had seen some pretty horrifying events perpetrated by military rulers. It seems that the Republican Party these days doesn’t seem to care much about the basics that America was founded upon. They do a lot of rah-rahing about loving America but then turn right around and starting tearing down its foundation. Now I will go on and on about how I disagree with many Republicans. I will almost always jump right up on my soapbox and start ranting about how I’m right and they are wrong. So far, that’s still legal in this country. But I won’t be saying anything to the effect of “Bring back the blacklist” or blaming the racial problems in the country on the rise of hip-hop. I won’t be calling the Republicans “traitors” simply because of their choice of political party. I won’t be minimizing what it means to call someone a “traitor” or to declare an action “treason” simply because I disagree with it. That smacks of the very tyranny that caused people to cross an ocean, face almost certain death during that crossing only to arrive at a completely unknown and unfamiliar environment where they had no idea how they would survive. THAT was better than what they faced at home in a Europe that was willing to torture and kill them simply because they didn’t all agree with the King or the Kings supporters.

We have no where else to go today if America fails to continue to uphold the very tenets it was founded upon.

2003-07-25T16:50:00.000-07:00

She knew he was an emotional cripple. She knew that he couldn’t stop himself from lying or cheating, no matter how much he loved her. She knew that his mean streak went so deep that he didn’t even know it was there. Still, if he was there, if he standing right there looking at her eventually she would be filled with his smell, his sound, his sex, his heat, his hands, scoured from the inside out, left feeling empty and consumed. Dope had nothing on a green eyed man with a guitar in his hand.

2003-07-25T12:54:00.000-07:00

Well I got new comments today so please partake of the commentability. Also note that there are a whole bunch of new links over there to blogs that I read pretty much every day. Enjoy folks and have a nice weekend.

Sealed with some Bliss.

2003-07-24T16:48:00.000-07:00

Here’s something that I know about myself. I love with total blindness. Not that I don’t realize that those I love are human with character defects and imperfections but I just don’t fucking care. I have a whole host of worthless unkind men, men filled with self loathing and a willingness to blame it all on me in my past and yet I loved each one of them as though there wasn’t another man on the planet. There are also a couple of lovely men in my past that I also loved with that blinded heart. I remember one of the few lovely men in my past mentioned that I seem to love as though not only is the grass NOT greener on the other side, but as though there is actually NO grass on the other side.

2003-07-24T13:12:00.000-07:00

I hate it when you slink around in my dreams. Standing off to the side smirking and smoking and not talking to me. Rik, Joe Perry and Richie Sambora were in that same dream and they all had the decency to talk to me. But not you. Leaning against a wall looking like you did 10 years ago. I mean really, would it have been so much to ask, a simple "hello, how are you?" ANYTHING! Whatever...I guess it's safe to say Rik, Joe and Richie got invited back to the next dream....you, not so much.

2003-07-22T10:27:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine sent me an email today with this article attached. It had been sent to her by a friend who had received it from yet another friend who is serving over in Iraq. This was my response to her.

I think it's important to keep in mind that NO ONE has ever questioned the fact that Saddam Hussein is/was a total monster. He committed endless crimes against his people and he certainly earned his place in hell. I also think it's important to note that it wouldn't have to change much for life to improve in Iraq right now, simply the absence of Hussein is improvement. Neither of these issues were the reasons that the American people and the rest of World were told for invading Iraq. The Bush/Blair coalition, as suspected by many before recent developments, it turns out flat out lied to all of us. That's a big problem when young men and women are being sent into combat situations. Even if you believe that the true intentions of BushCo were well intentioned regime change for the benefit of the Iraqi people, there's a problem with that sort of policy. It's not too surprising that the rest of the world didn't really want to get behind encouraging America to pursue that sort of choice. You can't help but wonder...who's next? If America can just invade for no other reason than "We think your leader is bad" then I think the Germans better gear up and probably the French too. Now that might sound ludicrous....but when you look at history everything starts somewhere, every slight change in attitude begins with an extreme situation that seems to make sense and yet somehow when you add human nature, ego, arrogance and power....well pretty soon it might look like we should "adjust" the balance of power in Europe because England needs us to and well...they are our friends MORE than Germany or France....we have to be vigilant in our policing of our own power and arrogance.

What is done is done in Iraq. I certainly hope that life is better and continues to improve in Iraq. Unfortunately I don't think it's done anything but harm to America, domestically and internationally. Once again, I think if our leaders had been true, honest and brave and come out saying "What we are seeing and hearing from the people of Iraq tells us that we must go and assist them in their efforts towards freedom" maybe I would have supported that effort. But then they would have had to remind the American people that we are the richest and most powerful nation on the earth and that we have a responsibility to the rest of the World, the responsibility that comes with power and advantage. The current Administration doesn't actually believe that, it would never occur to them to say that or to be motivated by that sentiment. Iraq's future may be brighter right at this moment than it ever has, unfortunately I'm starting to feel that Americas future is much darker and more frightening than it has been in decades.

2003-07-21T14:07:00.000-07:00

This weekend I got to meet my nephew and his mother. I got to hang out with my brother for the first time in about four years. I got a parking spot in West Hollywood right where I needed it right when I needed it. I got to eat really good Indian food with said fun brother John, cute nephew Conrad and the lovely Jean, mother of cute nephew. I got to visit with family friends, some who are doing alright and some who are not doing so well. I got my grocery shopping done in record time. I did not get my laundry done at all. I did get some work done on art projects. I did get to snuggle with my husband on the couch in the air conditioned living room. I did get some sleep. All in all…quite a good weekend.

2003-07-17T15:34:00.000-07:00

It's a ragin' bliss today....

I am angry. I am reminded by the extremity of this anger that I have to be careful. I am not a turn the other cheek sort of person, I am not all that graceful or kind, if I find that someone around me is spewing ignorant racist crap I pretty much want to take their head off….literally. I do understand that I am being intolerant of someone who is being intolerant. I see the conflict. I understand that people like Gandhi and Dr. Martin Luther King had to develop their process of changing the world so that they did not become that which they were trying to fight. But I just don’t think I’m that spiritual today. Today I just wanna tear someone limb from limb and scatter their pieces to the four corners of the earth so that the evil that spews fourth from their soul can never recombine again.

2003-07-15T10:37:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen I give you….the Emperors new story….

"We gave him a chance to allow the inspectors in, and he wouldn't let them in."

According to the Washington Post President George Bush said this to the White House press corps yesterday. He was referring to Sadam Hussein of course. President Bush was elaborating on the question of “WHY” we invaded Iraq.

Are you confused? I’m confused. I mean really….was I in a coma that that no one told me about? Was there some huge block of time that I missed wherein this happened? What I remember is that Sadam Hussein DID let the weapons inspectors return to the country, I recall in great detail that those same weapons inspectors had to be removed from the country before the military action could commence. Now I do not argue that he had kicked them out in the first place, but the whole point of them returning was an effort to avoid war…except apparently THAT wasn’t the Bush Administration plan at all….they had no intention of avoiding a war. Now, more than ever I firmly believe that all of this has been about oil. Not one single other reason…simply to gain control of Iraq’s oil fields.

This is absolutely horrific and I don’t really know how America will overcome the damage that has been done and that is continuing to be done in our name.

2003-07-14T10:18:00.000-07:00

Alrighty then….I guess it IS a question of what “IS” is…

Let’s see here…President Clinton lied about whether or not he had sex with an intern. Not honorable but nobody died as a result of that lie. I’ve checked this more than once, not one American Service member or civilian died as a result of that lie.

Then Mr. Bush told us, in the State of the Union address that, “the British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa." So, many Americans got right behind the man on his march to invade a country that had not attacked us or any of our allies. Because he said that we had to believe our British allies’ intelligence report. So many people did. They supported the move into war. Knowing that young people would die. Because that is what happens in armed conflict. So you want to make sure that you really believe that there is a good reason to engage in it…right?

But what has come out….what has been out for some time now, is that NO ONE, not in the British intelligence or the American intelligence ever got behind that bit of information 100%. The Bush II Administration was starting to attempt to hang the blame for this information debacle onto the head of the CIA but that wasn’t really a good choice because that person might actually go to the press and tell the whole story. Can’t have that happening.

So now…..NOW Mr. Donald Rumsfeld tells us "…it turns out that it's technically correct what the president said, that the U.K. does — did say that — and still says that. They haven't changed their mind, the United Kingdom intelligence people." So what that translates into is that President Bush doesn’t have to take any responsibility for what he said because it was hearsay? Is that what’s being said now? President Bush didn’t lie, because what he said was that the Brits said it….and that’s true.

OK…I think he should have to personally make that explanation to each and every American family that has lost a family member in Iraq. To every single wounded service man or woman, to every single family that is still spending each and every day in abject terror that they are going to get a visit from the base chaplain. I think he should have to say… “Hey…I didn’t mislead you, all I said was that the Brits said it was going on. So it’s their fault your Dad is dead, your sister is injured, your brother isn’t home”.

Well the last time I looked the Brits haven’t been able to send us into battle since we kicked their red coated asses out of the colonies back in the 1700’s.

I hear people still go on about how AWFUL if was that President Clinton not only had an affair with an intern but then he lied about it. Well ya know what? I agree…it was awful, it was shameful, he deserved to be punished for that whole debacle. And he was, roundly punished and publicly shamed.

So what should we do with a President who has lied to us about something so important, so critical that he actually convinced the American people that committing our troops into battle was the only sane choice? Shouldn’t that President have to take the heat of this lie? Shouldn’t he have to be punished in some way for the careless use of Americas young service men and women? Don’t we deserve something better than condescending games of semantics?

I certainly think those people who are still getting shot at over in Iraq every day deserve something better, that’s for sure.

2003-07-10T14:50:00.000-07:00

"I think the American people continue to express their support for ridding the world of Saddam Hussein based on just cause, knowing that Saddam Hussein had chemical and biological weapons that were unaccounted for that we're still confident we'll find. I think the burden is on those people who think he didn't have weapons of mass destruction to tell the world where they are." Ari Fleischer in Pretoria, South Africa

Did you catch that last line folks? Every single person sitting in that White House Press meeting should hang their heads in shame. I don’t care what side of the debate you are on, that level of prevarication deserves to be criticized. Comments like that are published around the world. That man is representing America every damn time he opens his mouth. HOW DARE HE BE AN IDIOT? Ok…I know it’s worse than that. He’s not an idiot. He’s simply saying “HEY LOOK OVER THERE” while he runs away. And apparently most of America is perfectly willing to “look over there” while these liars put our lives in danger, steal our money, our economic security (present and future) and then run away.

Hey Ari, didn’t you quit? What the fuck are you still doing here anyway?

2003-07-09T22:26:00.000-07:00

Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love.

Hamlet. ACT II Scene 2.

Many years ago I was hired to do the lighting design for a college production of an un-cut Hamlet. If you never read Hamlet you may not realize that it's really rather long. It's usually cut, or shortened because there is a TON of repetition in the script. Shakespeare tended to do a lot of recapping due to the fact that his audience was a bit more like a crowd at a ball park is today. They would get up and wander around, go get snacks, chat through out the show and so on. So Bill would keep returning to key story points so that everyone could keep up with the plot. Not really necessary for today’s theatre audiences who are usually very polite and attentive. But every now and then someone, usually at a college, will decide that it would be a good experience for the students to attempt a full un-cut Hamlet. Now undergraduate students are gonna be pretty challenged by this play no matter what, but trying to keep their energy up for a full three and half to four hours...well it's almost too much to ask. But they did it anyway. The professor who directed it actually managed to get it turned into a full credit class for the kids which was good because the time requirement was pretty huge.

He also cast a young woman as Hamlet.

She was the best actor he had. He would have had hard time doing that anywhere other than a college. In the end it was truly brilliant.

The other interesting aspect of this production was that it was performed in was a beautiful old chapel building. It had been built in the early 1920s. It had been altered a few times over the years, it had an actual stage but we did not use it. Nope. We did a full, un-cut Hamlet in the round folks. That means audience sitting all around an open playing area in the middle. No set whatsoever. Just an old parquet floor, costumes, a few props….and lights.

The ceiling over the playing area was very high, which was good, it also had large support beams that ran across the entire playing area. This was very important to my whole lighting design idea which was to bring in an entire rock and roll type rigging system. Hang it from those beams and then be able to really do some great stuff for three and half to four hours.

Did I mention that the building was built sometime in the 20's?

So even though the Tech Director had told me that there was enough power, and even though I had ALREADY RENTED THE RIG AND HAD IT DELIVERED, I didn't panic when he called me and told me that he had been incorrect about the type of power. NO, I did not freak out....I simply called the rental company and asked if they had a different type of equipment that might work with what I had. They said YES! They came out and picked up the first stuff and left me new stuff...NO CHARGE.

The next day I got another call from the TD. Well now it appeared that this new equipment wouldn't work either because...well...well he was totally wrong and there just wasn’t enough power for this equipment anywhere in the building.

Right.

OK...we had to start the lighting hang in like three days. So I called the rental company, apologized profusely and bless them they came and got their equipment and again didn't charge me anything. That one guy at L.A. Stage Works secured his place in lighting heaven that day as far as I was concerned.

Then the TD told me that there was only enough power in the building to use the existing system that had probably been installed around 1940 and was located on the wall in back of the little stage that we weren't using and MAYBE a little six dimmer board.

Then I did start to freak out...just a little.

What that bit of information meant was that I now had to try and light a four hour play with roughly fifteen lights TOTAL.

Hamlet is a very complex play, many locations and many different times of day. There are wonderful possibilities for lighting to support the emotional and psychological texture and content of the play. This was guaranteed to be the last time I would probably ever get to design an un-cut Hamlet. All the nuances and details, every scene, every moment. From the ghost King on the parapet to the grave yard to the play within the play to the sad death of Ophelia to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to the most tragic of all sword fights. That list is probably out of order...but I do know that it starts with the ghost and ends with the sword fight....and there's a helluva lotta shit in between!

I only had fifteen lights.

I called the director and told him that I had been roundly fucked by the TD and that my entire design concept was in the toilet and that we only had fifteen lights and half the dimmers were older than him and it would take three people plus the stage manager to run just the lights.

I'm pretty sure I was hyperventilating by this time.

He told me to calm down. "Breathe" he said.

I tried. But mostly I lit another cigarette and wondered if I could just leave the state and forget all about working in live theatre, it was obviously over-rated and my karma was apparently very, very bad.

Then the director started to talk about the play. About how if we just let the words speak, if we let the environment of this beautiful old building wrap around us, if we stopped worrying about trying to "do something magnificent" and simply did the show that everything would be fine.

"We" would be fine....I loved that man. I would go anywhere to light a show for that man.

"We" did everything that we could with our fifteen lights and a few battery operated lanterns and such. The young woman who played Hamlet acted her ass off and was just about the only person in the show that still had anything to give by the end of each performance.

But we did it.

Four hours.

A full un-cut Hamlet.

Because....

The plays the thing.

2003-07-03T14:28:00.000-07:00

I have a friend, Janine. She and I are about the same height. I’m not exactly sure how tall she is but it’s safe to say that we are both 5 foot 3 inches or under. At various different times in our lives we have both made our living as theatrical electricians. Sometimes this meant doing “shows” that were in hotel ballrooms. Those “shows” were really lower level fashion shows. By lower level I mean that these shows were not big time clothing designers but the models were still pretty much what you would expect to see at any type of runway fashion show in the 90’s, all of them over six feet tall and weighing in at around 100 pounds soaking wet with rocks in their pockets. Now these women were often “pretty” in that starvation heroin addict sort of way and many of the guys that were on the lighting crew with us were…well…shall we say enamored with the appearances of these ladies. Now Janine and I didn’t disagree with the guys about the rather brittle loveliness of some of the models but after a while your 5 foot 3 inch healthy weight working for a living self gets just a teensy bit irritated by the whole thing. Finally after a few hours of this Janine came over and sat down next to me at the Lighting Control Board and as we both watched yet another tall emaciated tit-less woman stand moodily at the end of the runway she leaned over to me and whispered in my ear, “Ya know, their center of gravity is much too high, the heels make it even worse we could just sneak back stage and tip a few of them over.” I almost pissed my pants I laughed so hard.

2003-07-02T10:38:00.000-07:00

I have to rant a little today about the California Governor recall issue. Now don’t get me wrong, I do not like Gray Davis. I think the man is a total creature of modern politics who has no goal but to continue to get elected to some sort of public office. I don’t believe for one second that he has any personal agenda for the greater good or even for the good of his own political party. But, that having been said, we haven’t been presented with a decent choice from either party in ages. I mean, as most of you know, I’m a big time left wing bleeding heart liberal and if the damn Republicans had been smart enough to run Richard Riordan I would have voted for the guy. But they didn’t and I therefore had no choice but to cast my vote AGAINST that sleezy guy Bill Simon. Now this right wing nutjob Issa, who has a ton of money, is financing this whole recall business in an effort to get himself into the Governor’s chair. I can’t help but wonder how many people realize who is behind this recall when they put their names on a petition while exiting their local supermarket. Do they realize that the person standing there saying things like “Gray Davis bankrupted the State” are only saying that because they are being paid to say it? Do they realize that Gary Davis did NOT bankrupt the State….and please remember that I started off saying how much I don’t really like the man here…but he does not deserve to take the heat for our current financial crisis. For the love of mike doesn’t anyone in this state remember last summer? Don’t they remember how that company in TEXAS called ENRON totally manipulated the power market so that Davis’ only choice to deal with the CRISIS created by that market manipulation was to sign those long term power contracts, as a matter of fact, we the public insisted on it! Does anyone connect the dots regarding Ken Lay, head of Enron, and the kazillion dollars he personally has given to the Bush administration and the fact that even though he is personally responsible for this State’s financial crisis as well as having “stolen” all those retirement funds from all those Enron employees he has not and will not pay in any way shape or form? And yet….one more time, the goddamn Republicans manipulate the media and the fine people of this State just blindly go their fiscal graves because they heard some commentator on Fox news say that Gray Davis will have to answer for our current financial crisis. I’m so damn tired of this crap. The general public needs to get willing to take the heat for some of the things that we ourselves have insisted upon financially, I almost wish that the State government would start running TV ads explaining all the parts of the budget that cannot be adjusted in any way because we VOTED it that way. I can’t even begin to imagine how we would pay for that but I’m beginning to think it might be some of the best money ever spent. I find that I only have a vague grasp of how it all works…and I’m pretty well educated. So I guess you add all that up and it’s pretty easy for the “people” to be manipulated by a clever Republican party that currently has the media grasped tightly in its hands.

2003-07-01T14:26:00.000-07:00

Those of you who were involved with the last Writober will recognize this little bit, but I ran across it today and just feel compelled to post it here.

The inside of my skull is itchy and achy. There’s not a lot of reason for this but it’s a sure sign that I don’t need to be having any extraneous contact with other human beings right at the moment. I’m unreasonable and dangerous and likely to go off on you for no reason and then decide that the only appropriate follow up action is to get in my car and drive off
into the desert in hopes of leaving me behind….but, damn it, I’m the one driving the car. So the next logical choice is simply to keep on going until I reach Raphael’s just outside of Santa Fe, apply for the job that they have, unknowingly, been holding open for me so I can start my new career as a waitress named Juanita. I will show up for my first shift with my hair buzz cut short and dyed black and they will be unsure if hiring me was such a good idea but will give me a chance. I’ll spend the first shift fucking everything up. Now they’ll really wonder why on earth they hired me, and how I could have possibly been waiting tables for years and be this bad. Then in walks this skinny strung out kid with circles under his eyes and a pretty serious twitch on the left side of his face. Stringy dirty hair, scummy black jeans and a jean jacket that’s about two sizes too big. Immediately I know it’s on.
Spidey senses? Maybe. More honestly I just recognize my own kind. I walk to the register for no apparent reason. He just keeps standing near the door and fidgeting. Sally says, “Hon, you can just sit anywhere” as she walks back to station five with a couple of
burger plates. He’s got both hands in the pockets of his jacket. All I can think is, “Bring it on, I’m so sick of feelin’ like this and maybe if you take me out or I take you out I’ll feel better….I don’t really care which it is.” Right at that moment his twitching eyes find mine.
Our eyes lock and for a split second he stands stock still and both eyes widen just a bit and then he sort has a full body twitch and just turns and bolts out the door. Sally walks up with a puzzled look on her face, “Wonder what that was all about? Freak!” I just smile
and shrug. As I turn back to the cooks counter Javier is looking at me with raised eyebrows, “Scared of you, bruja blanca.” I shrug and then spend the rest of the shift fucking up all my orders again, but I feel a whole lot better. Nothing like facing down your worst self and sending him running off into the desert twitching to give you a new lease on life.

We’ll see….order up.

2003-07-01T08:26:00.000-07:00

Ya know it was suggested to me that it wouldn’t be such a big deal if I “borrowed” lyrics from songs to use in some art projects that I’ve been working on. I understand that it’s highly unlikely that I’m gonna infringe on anyone’s financial life with these pieces but….well it’s just….well damnit I know how hard it is to write. I mean really…it’s fucking HARD!! There aren’t many things I’ve ever tried to do that are as hard as writing a decent line, much less an entire lyric that is more than decent. It just doesn’t feel right so I won’t be doing that…maybe I’m being obtuse, maybe I’m being overly particular…but in the end I won’t have to worry about my artistic karma.

2003-06-27T10:11:00.000-07:00

So...it's a good day when the Supreme Court manages to write an opinion such as this one.

Let's all say good-bye to Mr. Strom Thurmond and hope that his ultra-conservative, narrow minded, racist politics die with him. I'm afraid we're going to have to get the Democratic Party UNITED if we want to take down the Republican machine that is attempting to make this country a one-party government. Check out this Op-Ed piece in the New York Times today.

The sleeping has got to stop....the "I don't want to think about it all, it's too complicated and I'm just worried about paying my bills" sort of sleeping....I'm so afraid of this countrys current level of apathy and ignorance. The potential for the demise of this democracy at the hands of arrogant old white men is decidedly higher as result of said apathy and ignorance. It does make you wonder how bad it will have to get before the people will rise up....at least it makes me wonder anyway.

2003-06-26T13:03:00.000-07:00

Hey all...I'm back! I went to Vegas for a few days...lost a little money, won a little money. had lots of good food and read a lot...all good! Now I'm home, back at work and facing an absolutely crazy weekend wherein I have agreed to do too many things on Saturday. I have to teach a class on Saturday morning and then attend two birthday parties one in the afternoon and one in the evening. I hate it when I do that. Over-commit...I do it every now and then, not as much as I used to but still too much. I makes me feel like I don't even have a weekend because there is just too damn much running around. So now I'm sort of dreading my weekend...and I HATE THAT!

2003-06-20T13:38:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday of this week I had the honor to attend my goddaughters high school graduation. It's pretty astounding to realize that I was in college when she was born. I was involved in one of the worst relationships of my life at that time and I was drinking A LOT! I'm so glad I got sober before she was old enough to really have any memories of me drinking. I remember when she was about three I taught her to say "I love Steven Tyler, he's gonna be my boyfriend" it drove her Dad up the wall. Her parents split up when she was about eight years old. I'm sad to say that her Dad has missed out on his oppurtunity with her. I don't have a lot of compassion for him. He hardly bothered to show up for her life and I don't really care what his excuses might be. But the deal is she's a great kid and I'm so proud of her and her Mom. Her Mom has been a great parent and a great example of being a strong independant woman who takes care of herself.

My goddaughter has been such a gift in my life and I hope that she and her Mom are happy in their new adventure. They are moving to Idaho on June 30th.

I'm gonna miss them.

2003-06-16T10:53:00.000-07:00

So I read this great blog this morning, the June 13th entry, about a Dad and it has inspired me to write a similar blog entry about my Dad.

My Dad was in WWII. He got sick on ship which in the end caused him to loose part of the bone in his left leg. From the age of twenty to around 25 he had multiple surgeries and in the end his left leg ended up three inches shorter than his right and was fused at the hip. He was on crutches for ten years.

My Dad had a college education and went from working as a marine engineer to not working at all to a short spell in southern small county politics to owning his own title company to an almost 20 year career as an aero space engineer working in the space program from the un-manned flights all the way through the shuttle program. He went back to school when I was in high school to become a lawyer. That was his dream. For the last eighteen years he’s practiced estate and elder law.

My Dad couldn’t ride a bicycle but he did ride a BMW motorcycle every day, rain or shine for about seventeen years.

My Dad managed to make it to every damn piano recital, swim meet, band concert or play that my brother or I was ever involved with…even when he was traveling a lot with the space program.

My Dad loves my Mom more and more every day. He loves her because she is a smart, opinionated, independent, fire-y woman. He loves her and you can see it from a mile off.

My Dad showed me that it’s everyone’s responsibility to be of service to each other.

My Dad could play boogie woogie piano and jazz trumpet. My Dad played the blues for me and introduced me to the music of Billie Holiday.

My Dad would argue with me about important things like the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, Roe v. Wade, racism in America, censorship….when I was seven….when I seventeen….when I twenty-seven….when I was thirty-seven. I learned to care about Democracy and the fine art of debate from my Dad. I hope I get to argue with him when I’m forty-seven.

My Dad taught me how to fish, how to enjoy empty time spent sitting by a river or a stream.

The summer I started to get very, very lost my Dad took me camping up in the Sequoias, slept on the hard ground and even though it wasn’t easy for him got himself up on a horse so we could take a ride along the side of the mountains that ring Kings Canyon. We talked about life and love and a little of despair.

Somedays it occurs to me that my Dad is a lot like Atticus Finch, that might be one reason I love that movie so much. I think it's obvious why I love my Dad so much.

2003-06-13T09:53:00.000-07:00

Let us take a moment to note the passing of Gregory Peck. We should all stand with heads bowed for a moment because a great man has passed.

2003-06-11T14:26:00.000-07:00

I spent the morning at the dentist. I have a long a tortured history with dentists. I have been going to the dentist since I was two years old when it was discovered that I had sixteen cavities because the enamel had not actually covered my teeth. I had all my back teeth capped at that point...at two....I remember that experience VIVIDLY. My dental life since then has been much the same. I went to the dentist without fail every six months as I grew up and every six months I had to have some sort of work done. Fillings, caps, root canals, extractions…it just went on and on right up until the point where I was no longer covered on my parents wonderful dental insurance. That was the end of the work for a very long time. At least that was the end of the regular work. I then became one of those people who only had emergency dental work. You know… you suddenly realize that you have a tooth that is hurting and if you wait much longer it’s gonna be a trip to the ER in the middle of the night, which sucks. So I’d call some friends dentist or my parents dentist and get an appointment to “deal” with the problem of the moment and then that would be the end of it until the next emergency. I finally went to the same dentist enough times recently with emergency issues that he said that he’s fix the chipped tooth but he wasn’t really willing to do any other restorative work if I wasn’t willing to come in for regular cleanings. So I said “Of course I’ll come in, I’d LOVE to come in…it’s just the money that’s tough. But let’s set it up.” So I’ve been doing the three month trips to the dentist for the regular cleanings which cost $85.00 a pop, I’ve been religious about flossing, I brush twice a day only to now be in a position where I need about…ooooooh say,…. roughly…. $7,000.00 worth of dental work done. I do not have dental insurance…even if I did it would only cover about a smidgeon of that expense because that’s the way dental insurance is these days. I get totally depressed when I go to the dentist…and it’s not because of the drilling or scraping or poking of needles…THAT STUFF IS FINE! It’s the goddamn money….I need to set up some sort of benefit concert for my teeth. They are so fucking tragic that Bono should be lobbying for my dental debt to be forgiven. There should be a whole host of cool indie bands that are putting together some hip benefit show for my teeth at the Knitting Factory. Robin Williams and Whoopy Goldberg and Billy Crystal should be planning a little Relief show for my damn teeth. GET WITH IT PEOPLE….THERE’S A DAMN DENTAL EMERGENCY GOING ON OVER HERE!

2003-06-10T14:54:00.000-07:00

Ok....about that stat of "95% of the great apes are dead from ebola"....well that number might be a little inaccurate. Not as much as I wish it was...apparently in some areas it IS 80% of the apes that have died. In more areas it's about 50% and rising....still pretty bad numbers all in all. Here's an article that I found about it in case you were wondering.

2003-06-10T12:09:00.000-07:00

I saw Vanilla Sky last night. I found it to be an interesting movie. I don't like Tom Cruise much but that's not really the point. I liked not really knowing what was going on. I thought the premise was actually pretty cool. Though I must say at one point I almost turned it off because I'm not so good with movies that have a big what I call "BOO" aspect to them. Meaning things either pop out of no where or dead bodies suddenly fall out of the closet or your lovers face keeps changing into the crazy woman who killed herself while you were in the car with her. I have issues with that level of mental illness....perhaps I fear that it is all too close to me. Now that is a bit dramatic...I know that...I do not suffer from schizophrenia or psychosis...at least not as far as I can tell anyway. I guess I always seem to think that it's really just around the corner though. That's a little nerve wracking. So I try to not focus on it...which seems to work so far.

2003-06-05T11:16:00.000-07:00

I just read that 95% of the Great Apes in Africa have died from Ebola. Why isn't this being covered in the media....95%? THAT'S HUGE! That's almost all of them and we have no way to stop it....what does this mean for all the other animals in Africa? I'm really disturbed by this thought.

2003-06-05T10:48:00.000-07:00

I have all new hair today. It's SHORT! Really quite short and I'm quite happy with it. It's also much blonder...which is also fun. My head feels all light and floaty and I didn't have to get my hair out of the way of anything last night or this morning. It's a very strange and exhilarating experience. Everyone seems to like it, which is nice...but hardly the point. I'M the one that has to like it and I DO. Now I want to go and get another tattoo....but I've been saying that for years and I just never seem to do it. But this summer could be the time....I'm feeling like doing stuff...different stuff...I'm in a mood and who knows what might happen while I'm in it!

Blissfully short haired!

2003-06-04T10:13:00.000-07:00

So today is the day. Well I guess to be more accurate, tonight will be the night....the night when I cut my waist-length hair OFF. I mean TOTALLY OFF. We're talking Meg Ryan in French Kiss OFF. It's time. I want a change and I'm tired of dealing with all this hair right now. It's just damn in the way. I'm very, very excited about this event. I haven't cut my hair short since 1982. This is going to be quite an event. For those of you that might be wondering, yes, I will be donating my cut off hair to that organization that makes wigs for people fighting Cancer.

Wish me luck!

2003-06-01T10:25:00.000-07:00

There’s a wonderful article in today’s L.A. Times by Steve Lopez. It’s about the 17 year old bus boy who was caught in that riveting photo taken right after Robert Kennedy was shot. He found the guy a number of years ago and interviewed him and decided to go and find him again as the anniversary of Mr. Kennedy’s death is upon us. I was so moved by this 54 year old guy who has worked his entire life as a hard laborer talking about how when he delivered the room service cart up to Mr. Kennedy’s room that the Presidential nominee shook his hand and as a result of that he felt 20 feet tall. He felt like a human being with rights and duties. He has gone to live his life as good person, according to the article, trying to do the only thing he could figure out to do to live up to what Robert Kennedy stood for…to do your part. I started thinking about how I know the Kennedys were not saints, and I don’t care. I don’t need SAINTS in the damn White House I need people who care about the health and well being of ALL AMERICANS. Not just a few. I need someone in the White House who DOES care what I think and what Juan Romero thinks, who cares about the quality of our lives, someone who knows that sitting in that building is not a right but the gravest responsibility on this earth.

2003-05-30T11:10:00.000-07:00

Mini Cooper Love...

Ahhhhhhhhh….the Mini Cooper. I just read a lovely review of the new movie “The Italian Job” which features the Mini. It sounds like the movie is great fun. I am currently in love with the Mini and wish someone would just give me one. It’s the perfect anti-SUV vehicle. Now I don’t have a problem with people having SUV’s that have a legitimate reason for having them. People who need to haul crap around all the time. I get it, I’m not irritated by those folks or by their need for that type of vehicle. THOSE folks are NOT the majority of SUV drivers. I would work harder to get over my irritation with these damn monster vehicles IF they had to adhere to the same emissions standards as regular cars seeing as people are driving them like regular cars, they should also have to pay an additional road tax that is oh say...connected to their insurance payments or something like that. SUV’s damage the roads more than the average car due to their excessive weight. You wanna drive that damn Hummer, then pay your way buster!

2003-05-28T12:52:00.000-07:00

So to continue the trend from Alana’s blog….

My freshman year in college I lived in Toll Hall. This was one of the oldest dorms on campus but it had a new wing in the back called Freshman Wing. It was only the freshman that had to share rooms, most everyone else could have a single room by themselves. So my first roommate was a young woman who had filled out her roommate compatibility form WRONG. How this girl managed to get into this very prestigious and competitive college but couldn’t fill out her damn form properly is beyond me. So all of that to say that due to the fact that I was a rather dedicated smoker and she was a rather dedicated NON-smoker we were not exactly compatible. Well, there was also the small bit about how she didn’t bother to tell ME that there was a problem until after she had BITCHED about it to every single person in the fucking freshman wing and the RA. So I looked like some inconsiderate bitch when in truth she had not informed me of the problem. When she finally did tell me she did cop to the fact that it was her mistake BUT she didn’t want to move. She then proceeded to make the RA’s job impossible! The RA was this perfectly nice senior who had a lot on her plate and was trying to find a fair solution. Miss IDon’tKnowHowToFillOutASimpleForm just didn’t feel like she should have to make a change even though the problem was of her making. I finally went to the RA and told her that I was not going to be another pain in her ass and that I was perfectly willing to move but I was going on record that it was not fair and that little Miss IDKHTFOASF was a total BEYATCH! So luckily the two women who lived next door to us were experiencing some trouble as well. One young lady was so homesick for Hawaii (and who could blame her) that she had sunk into a deep, deep depression and was going home. I moved next door and had a very interesting semester with a roommate much more suited to me. She smoked, drank and fucked excessively. As a matter of fact to the point that she made me look pretty tame which wasn’t easy at all. By the close of the first semester I went back to the RA and requested a single room if it was at all possible. By this time she had heard, from others I might add, that my current roommate was a bit of a “challenge” to live with considering the number of times I came back to my room at 2:00 in the morning after working in the theatre all night only to find her and her latest boy-toy passed out naked on the damn floor. Why couldn’t they manage the bed? Maybe they fell off…I dunno. Second semester the RA found a single room for me. It pays to be nice to the RA.

2003-05-23T10:49:00.000-07:00

My husband and I had the best summertime dinner last night. It’s much too hot to cook right now and we just weren’t in the mood to grill. So Charlie stopped by the store on his way home and picked up a wonderful collection of deli meats and cheeses and some really good fresh baked rolls, hot mustard, and GIANT ripe tomato and four different types of salad. Now the salads consisted of a pesto salad, a cheese tortellini salad, a Creole potato salad and a seafood salad. We saved the seafood salad, but just about demolished the others. The fresh baked rolls were French bread, sourdough and poppy seed Kaiser rolls. We both opted for the Kaiser rolls…oh those poppy seeds. No drug tests for us today! It was just lovely. Simple, cool and easy to make and to eat. Ahhhhhhhhhh summertime bliss is here.

2003-05-22T12:46:00.000-07:00

I have no motivation to work right now. That's not really a good enough reason to NOT work but it IS the reason that I'm not currently working. I'm listening to MP3's and blogging. I really just wanna go home and make mobiles. I'm hoping to try a soldering test this weekend for the next phase of the mobiles. I think the next phase will sell better in other stores than the stained glass store. MJ suggested the possibility of using found objects in the mobiles as well. I'm still considering that idea. I may wander through some thrift stores and so on to see if there's anything cheap and interesting in them...that sort of thing. I'm suddenly having visions involving doorknobs for some reason...hanging doorknobs....a strange windchime of some sort?? hmmmmmmmmmm??? I'll let you know.

2003-05-21T14:49:00.000-07:00

Ya know, no matter how happy I get, no matter how lovely my life becomes I still dream of running away. This is something I have thought about my whole life. It used to drive me crazy when I was a kid. I couldn’t figure out why I wanted to run away when there wasn’t THAT much wrong with my life. I mean I knew kids that had horrible homes, horrible parents, I mean stuff that was really worthy of running away from…and yet I still dreamed of walking down some unknown road, alone with my only possessions in a pack on my back. Now days this dreams takes the form of thinking about what tragedy would have to occur before I could simply abandon life as I currently know it. I could give myself permission to go off the deep end for a little while if my husband died, but I couldn’t actually disappear forever…too many people would be hurt by that. It would take some extreme tragedy such as almost everyone I know and love dieing all at once somehow. Then I guess I think the world would be upside down enough that I could step outside the norm and become someone else basically. With no attachments, no rules, no expectations, no reason to stay in one place. The funny thing about this is that I’m not really that much of a traveling around sort of person. But then it’s not really about traveling, it’s about moving, going to or away from, just moving. When I was drinking I used to get in my car and just drive around for hours, just to be moving, like I was trying to dodge something. I think I probably was trying to dodge something, but it was in the car with me. It still is. Which is why I still long to move, but I just can’t justify it, cause it always moves with me. But I still wish for the simplicity of running away, of leaving me behind somehow.

2003-05-21T09:35:00.000-07:00

The crushing heat of summer has arrived here in Los Angeles. This will make for some interesting driving on the freeways for a few days until everyone adjusts to the reality of heat. I know summer is really here when I’m driving down the freeway and I stick my arm out of the car and the wind rushing by feels like the inside of an oven at about 400 degrees. It’s amazing what happens in this city when the temperature first goes up. The noise level goes right up with it. I used to work in Downtown L.A. at night. It’s a strange Downtown, more like an abandoned section of the city, at least at night anyway. It used to just crack me up the way the overall screaming would increase during the first week of extreme heat. You could hear the homeless get wackier, they would go from simply muttering to themselves to full scale conversations that would be directed at you. I would usually try to stay pretty aware during this week because, in my experience this when the wackos were more likely to be randomly violent than any other time. I know a woman who was standing out in front of the building where we worked, first hot day of summer and this homeless guy walked across the street, calmly stood in front of her and then punched her in the face and ran off. Broke her damn nose. Random. Then there were the people who lived in the strange apartments above the electronics stores breaking dishes and slapping each other, those same people would often throw things out of their windows at us poor sods on the streets, such as batteries and cups. Downtown L.A. is a crazy place on the best of days but it’s downright surreal on the first hot night of summer.

2003-05-20T09:14:00.000-07:00

So NOW the President wants Congress to raise the limit for the National Debt...wonder why he needs that? Wonder why that would be a good idea? It's certainly interesting that all of a sudden the Republicans are saying things like "We shouldn't be wasting time debating this debt limit issue when we should be focusing on the unemployment problem". WELL OK, lets focus on the unemployment problem....what's the answer guys? Tax Cuts? Well interestingly enough that's EXACTLY what they think the answer is...and yet they don't have any solid economic theory behind that plan. Because their tax cuts are not gonna create jobs. It's plain and simple we needs jobs created....we need an environment, no...a WORLD where people feel safe and secure so that they are happy to go spend the money they make at said jobs. Well does anyone feel like that these days? I certainly don't....and I don't think I'm gonna feel that way anytime soon. I visited Howard Deans website yesterday. He has some interesting thoughts on the issues. From health care to gun laws to national security. I highly recommend checking it out. We will have a choice in 2004, if we don't get united behind it we will be lucky if we have Constitution left by the end of those four years.